Nazem Kadri has made the World Juniors team

Congrats to Nazem for making Team Canada. It's going to be awesome to watch him over Christmas break. He's looking to be the man to centre Taylor Hall, too.

Final cuts were forwards Philippe Cornet, Cody Eakin, Scott Glennie and Louis Leblanc, defencemen Tyler Cuma, Shawn Lalonde and Dylan Olsen and goaltenders Matt Hackett and Olivier Roy.

NHL Jingle Bells

Here at L&L the holidays are important. Then again, with the season stretching through December, and the World Juniors...hockey really doesn't stay on the back burner for long. But, to enjoy the spirit of the Christmas AND the regular season, here is a Christmas Carol for you all to enjoy. Happy Holidays.

***

Dashing down the ice,
Ovechkin's got the puck,
His team calls for a pass ,
He doesn't give a fuck!
Shots off crossbars ring,
Phaneuf makes bodies fly,
If you want, fight Colton Orr,
But you're probably gonna die, hey!

NHL, NHL,
Hockey all the way!
Patrick Kane wants his change
Or he'll punch you in the face, hey!
NHL, NHL
Hockey is the best!
Heatley's on pace for fifty goals,
And seven trade requests!

Cherry's lost his mind,
He sleeps in a museum,
So don't expect much praise,
If you're a european!
The Penguins won the Cup,
And went to the White House,
You'd like Jeff Carter on your team,
But nowhere near your spouse, oh!

NHL, NHL,

Hockey all the way!
Patrick Kane wants his change
Or he'll punch you in the face, hey!
NHL, NHL
Hockey is the best!
Heatley's on pace for fifty goals,
And seven trade requests!

Balsillie wants a team,
Burkie wants a cup,
And all the fans at home,
Want Pierre Mcguire shut up,
Turkey has been served,
it's a Christmas buffet,
But quickly fill your stomach up,
Kyle Wellwood's on the way, hey!

NHL, NHL,

Hockey all the way!
Patrick Kane wants his change
Or he'll punch you in the face, hey!
NHL, NHL
Hockey is the best!
Heatley's on pace for fifty goals,
And seven trade requests!



***


L&L
http://www.leafandlion.com/

The Big Picture: November

Alright, welcome back to our monthly segment in which we project our numbers forward to the end of the year to see exactly where we're going to end up, at this point. If you're curious about the September numbers, click here.

THE TEAM

TML NOVEMBER: 26GP - 7W - 12L - 7OTL - 21PTS

TML FINAL: 82 GP - 22W - 38L - 22OTL - 66PTS

That's up 25PTS from our pace from September - quite an improvement. Unfortuneatly, that still puts us at 2nd last in the league.

DRAFT LOTTERY

1. Carolina (46 PTS Projected)
2. Toronto (66 PTS Projected)
3. Edmonton (72 PTS Projected)
4. Minnesota (75 PTS Projected)
5. Florida/Anaheim (76 PTS Projected)

OUR BOYS

KABERLE 6G 76A 82P

KESSEL 40G 25A 65P

STAJAN 26G 32A 58P

HAGMAN 42G 13A 55P

GRABO 13G 38A 50P

WHITE 13G 32A 44P

PONI 28G 16A 44P

BLAKE 6G 38A 44P

FINGER 11G 27A 37P

STEMPNIAK 16G 19A 35P

GUNNARSSON 0G 32A 32P

MITCHELL 7G 25A 32P

BEAUCH 6G 25A 32P

KULEMIN 14G 7A 21P

HANSON 0G 15A 15P

PRIMEAU 8G 4A 12P

SCHENN 0G 9A 9P

STALBERG 0G 8A 8P

WALLIN 0G 8A 8P

ORR 3G 3A 6P

EXELBY 0G 5A 5P

MAYERS 0G 5A 5P

KOMISAREK 0G 0A 0P




Way to go, Komisarek! Anyway, just a few interesting notes...

-Kaberle on track for a massive 82 point year.
-Kessel ready for his first of many 40 goal seasons for the Leafs
-Stajan continues his good production - keep in mind, he really shouldn't be a first line centre.
-Hagman set to lead the team with 42 goals.
-Good production from Grabo and Poni with 50 and 44 points, respectively. Despite his awful goalscoring, Blake's been on the board for a pace of 44 points as well.
-On the point, Whiter is getting ready for a 44 point season and believe it or not, if Gunnarsson played at this pace he'd be heading for 32 assists.
-The more dissapointing players, Kulemin is clearly not ready to break out with a projected 21 point year, and Hanson's AHL production hasn't really translated as he is only on pace for a mediocre 15 assists and is still stuck at 1 career NHL goal.

L&L

Big Brother: Toronto Maple Leafs

Brian Burke has finally had it. After a dismal beginning to the 2009-2010 season, the team was not working together, not gelling, and not uniting. After countless bonding exercises, road trips, and meetings, he turned to the only reasonable solution. Take twelve key team members and force them to participate against each other in a reality tv knock off:

BIG BROTHER: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS EDITION

Each contestant will not be allowed in the outside world aside from games and practices. They will enter the MLSE house with only the company of each other, competing in a vicious survival game. Each episode, a member of the team will be voted out of the house. The final remaining member of the household will be given a 10 million dollar bonus, lifetime season tickets, and the chance to slap Richard Peddie in the face.

The rules are simple:

-Each week, a challenge will take place between all players. The winner of the challenge will be granted the right to nominate two other players for eviction. Leaf Nation will vote on which team member they wish to remove from the game.

And now, the contestants...

JASON BLAKE

Motto: The easiest way to a goalie's net is through his chest protector

Hero: Jason Blake

Food: Chicken with a side of the blood of innocent children

Favorite Movie: Rocky V

Favorite Music: Eminem

Favorite Color: Black

Luxury Item: Autographed 8x10 of Jason Blake

GARNET EXELBY
Motto: Destroy
Hero: Rambo
Food: Elbow Pads
Favorite Movie: Rambo
Favorite Color: Bruise
Luxury Item: Teddy Bear

MIKAEL GRABOVSKI
Motto: With a great mullett comes great responsibility
Hero: Joe Dirt

Food: Beet Soup
Favorite Movie: Teen Wolf
Favorite Music: Belarussian Ska
Luxury Item: Pineapple

JONAS GUSTAVSSON

Motto: Just win, baby.
Hero: Terry Sawchuk
Food: Swedish Meatballs
Favorite Music: Symphony Orchestra
Favorite Color: Blue and Yellow
Luxury Item: Vesa Toskala Voodoo Doll

TOMAS KABERLE
Motto: Whatever you do...don't shoot.
Hero: Mats Sundin
Favorite Music: Classical

Favorite Color: Blue
Luxury Item: Scrapbook of memories with Sundin, Tucker, Kubina, and McCabe

PHIL KESSEL
Motto: Whatever you do...don't pass.
Favorite Movie: Highlight reel from Boston from when he had teammates
Favorite Music: Top 40
Favorite Color: Yellow
Luxury Item: Testicle in Jar

MIKE KOMISAREK

Motto: Big hit. Block shot. Two minutes minor. Repeat.

Hero: Brian Burke

Favorite Movie: Any Given Sunday

Favorite Music: Country
Luxury Item: Restraining Order against Milan Lucic

COLTON ORR
Motto: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the fact that I'm going to beat that dog so bad he's going to look like he got back from a sleepover at Michael Vicks.
Hero: Mike Tyson
Food: Knuckle Sandwiches
Favorite Movie: Fighting
Favorite Music: Death Metal
Luxury Item: Punching Bag (aka Matt Carkner)

LUKE SCHENN

Motto: Save the Leafs
Hero: Wendel Clarke
Favorite Movie: The Lion King

Favorite Music: Jonas Brothers
Favorite Color: Blue and White
Luxury Item: Schenn Jersey with a "C" on the front.

MATT STAJAN

Motto: Calmness is the cradle of power

Hero: Gandhi

Food: Plain White Rice

Favorite Movie: None
Favorite Music: Ambient Noise
Favorite Color: Grey

VESA TOSKALA

Motto: Just hang in there, it'll all be over soon.
Hero: Jonas Gustavsson
Food: Marshmellows
Favorite Movie: Anything with Keanu Reeves
Favorite Color: Pale
Luxury Item: Autographed 8x10 of Jonas Gustavsson's girlfriend

IAN WHITE

Motto: When life gives you lemons, grow a moustache, play out of position, and become team MVP.

Hero: Tom Sellick
Favorite Movie: Anchorman
Favorite Color: Blue

Luxury Item: Facial Hair Grooming Kit

*****

Stay tuned for episode two, featuring the first challenge and nomination.

The Curse of Thirteen

I'm not one for conspiracy theories. I'm pretty sure September 11th was ordered by terrorists, not the US government. I don't think 2Pac is going to show up alive next Tuesday and collaborate with Elvis. I don't believe in the Illuminati, Santa Claus, or Jason Blake's soul. But I have to admit: there's something oddly fascinating about them. I don't take much stock in any of them but I like to read about them and some members of the hockey community have been piecing one together about our Leafs. Allow me to summarize.

Mats Sundin is considered by many to be the greatest Maple Leaf of all time (false - Alyn McCauley is). He's our all time leader in points and the last face of our franchise. Say what you want about the Canucks ordeal, but he was Captain Clutch and gave us a lot of memories. However, what number did he choose to wear? Not the famous goalscorers #9. Not the typical centre number #19. He chose the enigmatic #13.

Here's where it starts. Yes, our all team leading goalscorer (who should have rightfully lifted a Cup as a Leaf) wore #13. He did not return to the Leafs to centre Phil Kessel, instead he retired with 987 points as a Maple Leaf. 13 shy of 1000.

He did not get to lift that Cup, and he and the Leafs have been waiting since '67. 6+7=13

Yes, we won our last cup in 67. Since then, we have been stuck at 13 Stanley Cups.

Ian White, despite shaving 13 times a day, continues to look like a small hampster died on his upper lip.

The draft has also been plagued with bad luck. Jiri Tlusty, touted as a true sniper, has yet to come anywhere near his potential and can't seem to make it happen in the big leagues. Leafs management considered themselves lucky that he had slipped that far in the draft and have a chance to select him: 13th overall.

It doesn't stop there. The Leafs swapped their 1st rounder for plagued goaltender Vesa Toskala. That pick, 13th overall, could have landed the Leafs Max Pacioretty, Angelo Esposito, or Oscar Moller.

So, is this why we've had every bad bounce, the Kerry Fraser incident, phantom penalties, and late season exits? Probably not. But who knows.

L&L

Petition to Get Mike Palmateer a Cell Phone

Okay, I'll make this quick, but I am BAFFLED.

This is a Toronto Star article by Damien Cox about the scouting of Jonas Gustavsson. It features quotes from Brian Burke, Ron Wilson, and primarily, Leafs scout Mike Palmateer. It's actually a good article and it shows the journey that it took to get the Monster to sign with the Leafs. As we've seen, he truly looks like a #1 goalie as Vesa Toskala hangs out on the bench talking to Mikael Grabovski about hair products. There's one part that's especially troubling to me.

"I'm actually walking pretty good these days, but I have to be careful," he said Wednesday from his car phone. "I'm pretty sure that if I even looked at a pair of skates, something would tear."

His CAR PHONE!? The man works as a professional hockey scout and can't invest in a cell phone? His primary job is to make calls and speak to others and arrange travel and he's still using an effing car phone?! What century does he live in? Is his car phone attatched to a horse and carriage? Is Brian Burke doing his radio interviews with a tin can on a string?

MLSE was announced again as the richest hockey franchise. Well now you know why! They're ripping off the rest of their employees! Does anyone have any benefits over there? No wonder Mike Van Ryn is always injured, the poor guy doesn't get any health care! Does Ron Wilson make his pregame notes on a typewriter? Did Jason Blake get his people skills at a yard sale? Does Tomas Kaberle groom his eyebrows with Tom Sellick's old moustache groomer?

Forget the salary cap, boys, we've got far bigger issues here.

MAKE SOME NOISE. START A RIOT. GET MIKE PALMATEER A CELL PHONE.

L&L

Petition:
http://www.petitiononline.com/leaflion/petition.html

How Far Are We Away from a Cup?

Let's be upfront about it: despite a few strong games in a row, chances are we won't take the cup this year - though I'm still predicting playoffs for the Buds, I just don't see them going all the way. We simply just don't have the pieces to take it all the way. But how far away are we? In some obvious areas (top six) we're pretty hurting. But let's look at this more specifically. What do we have playing right now that could feasibly be a legitimate piece on a Stanley Cup team?

LEFT WING - CENTRE - Kessel
Ponikarovsky - CENTRE - RIGHT WING
Hagman - CENTRE - Stempniak
LEFT WING - Mitchell - Orr

Kaberle - Komisarek
White - Beauchemin
Schenn - Finger/Exelby

Gustavsson
BACK-UP

So it's pretty clear - we've only got 1.5 that could be a top sixer on a Cup team...Poni really is pushing it. In all honesty, I think you could interchange Hagman, Stempniak, Poni, and even Blake for those three spots but beyond that I don't really buy into it. Mitchell could also be switched out for Wallin without much of an effect. So up front that means we're going to need to add two strong centres, two quality wingers, a grinding centre and a hard hitting/working winger for the fourth line. That might be Nik Kulemin but I'm not buying it. Sorry.

On the back: yeah. I think we're set. That was clearly Burke's intention for the summer and once Schenn/Beauchemin settle into their games we'll be just fine. I truly believe that. And maybe Macdonald really could settle into the backup role full time but while Gustavsson has played well it's a pretty small sample size to see if a goalie can take you to the show: in the meantime though, it sure has looked that way.

Let's not forget the prospects, though. We've got some very promising players in Kadri, Bozak, Stalberg, Hanson, and Tlusty all sitting in the minors right now and performing as they should. So let's have another look (assuming these players move into the players we hope they will become.

Tlusty - Kadri- Kessel
Stalberg - Bozak - Hanson
Poni - Tlusty - Stempniak
Hagman/Kulemin - Mitchell - Orr

Kaberle - Komisarek
White - Beauchemin
Schenn - Finger/Exelby

Gustavsson
Macdonald

But realistically: all these players are not going to be ready by next year. Kadri will probably be heading for one more year of junior (giving Burke's history) and I'm really not sold on Jiri Tlusty quite yet. I hope he can be the top notch goal scorer we hoped he would be but if he does then power to him. I do, however, think the Frat Line will make the push up next year. However: I think they'd be best suited, for now, as a third line grind line providing some secondary scoring.

CAUTION: We are now entering the land of pipe dreams. If our cards are played correctly during free agency, he's our 2011 Stanley Cup winning team (and shocker: it fits under the cap).

Kovalchuk (8) – Savard (6)– Kessel (5.4)
Tlusty (3) – Kadri (875k) – Guerin (1.3)
Stalberg (850K) – Bozak(3.75) - Hanson(1)
Orr (1)– Mitchell(1.2) – Hagman(3)

Kaberle(4.25) – Komisarek(4.5)
Schenn(2.975) – Beau(3.8)
White(2) – Gunnarsson/Mikus(875K)

Gustavsson(3.5)
Macdonald (700K)

Is this realistic? Nooooope. Kovalchuk will probably either stay in Atlanta or be KHL bound: plus he'll get closer to 9-10 million. Savard actually doesn't look that unlikely at this point. Getting a vet like Billy Guerin for a year wouldn't hurt in the least especially since he can still score a couple goals. Kadri is magically ready to play, Blake is mysteriously dissapeared, and XLB/Finger have been let go for cheaper options.

Again: this is nothing else but something fun to look at, and I don't see us getting Kovalchuk. I wish. But just take a look at these scenarios and how the team has started to play:

We're not as far off as you might think.

L&L

PS: You can now reach the site from leafandlion.com

leafandlion.com

Yep, you heard me right. We've made the jump to dot com, and you can access from there. If you want to get to know what we're all about and you're a new reader, here's five articles that you should check out to see what L&L is all about.

Maple Leafian Rhapsody - A Queen Parody about your boys in blue.

Maple Leafs High School Report Card - If MLSE were a high school, it'd be something like this...

Faceoffs and Team Building - A look at the centres in the Leafs organization from an insider scoop.

2009 Plus/Minus - A two parter about the Leafs good, bad, and ugly.

And finally,

Nik Hagman Scores the Greatest Goal in the History of Hockey - See title.

Enjoy.

L&L


PS: Phil Kessel!

The Big Picture

Alright, with the first month of the season L&L brings to you a monthly segment called the big picture, where we take a look at the statistics of the past month and stretch them out to see where this is going to land us at the end of the year.

THE TEAM

TML OCTOBER: 12GP - 1W - 6L - 4OTL - 6PTS
TML FINAL: 82 GP - 7W - 41L - 27OTL - 41PTS

Which leaves us dead last in the NHL and serving the Bruins Taylor Hall on a platter. Sigh.

EASTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS

1. PIT (129)
2. BUF (127)
3. WAS (117)
4. NJD (109)
5. NYR (103)
6. PHI (97)
7. OTT (96)
8. MTL (82)

So not only do we finish last in the East but our rivals in Ottawa and Montreal sneak into the playoffs. Fantastic. Notably, we have the Boston Bruins narrowly missing out. Aside from that, I wouldn't be too surprised to see this be fairly accurate.

WESTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS

1. COL (120)
2. SJ (115)
3. CHI (107)
4. PHO (113)
5. LA (111)
6. CGY (103)
7. DAL (99)
8. VAN (87)

The West has a lot more surprises with the strong starts from Colorado, Phoenix, and LA. We've also got Detroit, Anaheim and Columbus left out in the cold with Edmonton joining Toronto as the only Canadian teams not aiming for the post season.


OUR BOYS

KABERLE 14G 103A 116P
GRABO 21G 48A 68P
HAGMAN 44G 22A 66P
STAJAN 22G 29A 52P
BLAKE 7G 41A 48P
STEMPY 27G 21A 48P
PONI 34G 7A 41P
WHITE 14G 27A 41P
MITCHY 0G 34A 34P
BEAUCH 14G 7A 21P

So Kaberle is going to rack up over 100 assists at this rate. Fantastic. Also pleased with Grabo's 70 point year and Hagger's 44 goals. Besides that, everything is not looking pretty right now. Let's take a look at the league leaders.


LEADING SCORERS

PLAYER G A P
OVECHKIN 82 53 135
MARLEAU 60 55 115
KOPITAR 64 64 123
NASH 69 69 126
GABORIK 50 50 120

Okay, so Ovechkin's getting 82 goals. Big deal. Kaberle's getting 103 assists.

30 Realistic Goals for the Remainder of the Season

VICTORY!

The Leafs finally pick up their first win. Gustavsson makes key saves, Nik Hagman leads the offense, Kaberle has the best game of his career, and the Leafs are playing the truculent style that Burke has put them together to play. Great to get a win, but it's going to make it way harder to lose if we go down in Dallas tonight. Not to mention I hate Dallas. So... lets not. Hopefully Gustavsson shuts down the team tonight he shut down in the off-season to play with the Leafs. Moving on.

Before the season started, I took some time to review our teams forwards and defence. As opposed to writing about what's happened all month, I'm going to change directions a bit and talk about what we should be accomplishing for the remainder of the year. Getting our first win was the first mountain to clim, so here's a list of the top remaining 30 goals that should be posted in the Leafs dressing room. I'll tick them off as they're accomplished throughout the year.

1. Beat the Montreal Canadiens. I'm sick of Habs fans. We should have won the first game, we played pretty well and a good portion of my buddies are Montreal fans: I've taken a bit of a beating lately so nothing would be better than the Leafs picking up a win when I'm piss drunk in my Wendel Clark hallowe'en costume.

2. Call up Tyler Bozak. The kid is awesome, he provides creativity like Grabovski, playmaking like Stajan, hockey smarts like Wallin, and chippy play like John Mitchell. So why is he not a centre for the big club?

3. Resolve the Toskala affair. Phantom knee injuries aside, I don't think I've felt more sympathy for a human being than I do for Vesa Toskala. Not only did playing in Toronto ruin his confidence and career, I'm pretty sure it ruined his life. He's like the kid getting bullied at the bus stop. Cut the cord, trade him somewhere. Maybe him and a prospect for Giguere. I know that seems crazy but Anaheim is on the hook for a 6 million dollar backup for two more years while Toskala could backup in a less stressful environment, save Anaheim cap room, and come off the books at the end of the year. Giguere would waive his no-trade to play for Burke again and would be a great mentor for Gustavsson.

4. Establish Mike Komisarek as a leader. Komisarek has calmed down lately with steadier play and less trips to the box. He's hitting, standing up for his teammates, and blocking shots. No BS, just like he gets payed for. And if anyone is questioning his value, look at Tomas Kaberle's play since Komisarek arrived. The next step for him to take is to firmly establish himself as a leader for the Leafs. With Luke Schenn showing this year that he actually is a mortal human being, Komo is really looking like the next Leafs captain. At least for a while.

5. Luke Schenn finds his game. Schenn really has not looked good and I'd imagine his confidence is getting shakier and shakier. A Marlies trip might be in order but we need Luke to remember that he's good enough to be considered the face of our franchise.

6. Luke Schenn finds his little brother Brayden and gently reminds him that he is to sign for the Leafs immediately after his deal with the Kings is done.

7. Move Mikhail Grabovski to the wing. Grabo's faceoff timing is about as good as breaking up with a girlfriend on her birthday after she gets her leg devoured by a wild antelope. Or...something of that nature. Let him zip around on the wing.

8. Colton Orr deciding that pushing a linesman is not enough and he needs to hunt down referee Kerry Fraser and feed him some Belak's.

9. Get out of last place. Just do it.

10. Viktor Stalberg finds the net. We know he can score, we saw it in the preseason. He's played well and he's been a creative spark but I'd like to see his point production increase. How about 20 goals, Vikky?

11. Record a shutout. I'm looking at you, Jonas.

12. Beat the Sens. Light up Leclaire, nail Alfreddson, fight Neil, make fun of Jason Spezza's goofy laugh. Laugh at Bob Murray saying Jashon Spezzcha. Laugh at the fact that every time I try to type his name I type Bill Murray.

13. Bring in Phil Kessel and put him on a line with Stajan and Hagman. Let him light the lamp for the blue and white and start working on Marc Savard because Savard misses having an elite scorer to pass to. Yeah, I said it.

14. Get out of the bottom five. I can stomach not making the playoffs (ech...kind of) and I'm glad we traded away our first round pick but I can't handle seeing the B's getting Hall, Seguin, Fowler, or Kabonov.

15. Get Matt "The Most Electrifying Man in Sports" Stajan in a fight. I thought he was going for it against the Ducks, I almost shit my clothes. I'm still not convinced he has human emotions.

16. Leaf & Lion learns how to spell Alexei Ponikarovsky. Is that even right?

17. Garnet Exelby learns how to spell "Ian White". And "house".

18. Bring in Christian Hanson. He's exactly the type of big forward we need to play physical on the boards and more importantly, be a big presence in front of the net.

19. Ian White continues his moustache maintenance to the point that it's dense enough to block shots without pain and acts as a third shin pad.

20. Put a letter on Ian White's jersey. I always thought it was a mistake to outright name three A's instead of rotating them. Whitey's been our most consistent player for two years and everyone in the universe loves him (except Ilya Kovalchuk...who will hopefully love him next year). I wouldn't mind Ian White to be captain of the leafs. I'm serious.

21. Trade for a top six forward. Get rid of some of our excess clutter and piece together a package for someone like Nathan Horton as we need legitimate offence.

22. Mike Komisarek scores a goal. Or Exelby. I'm not fussy.

23. Go on a seven game winning streak. Let's balance the books, boys.

24. Give Jiri Tlusty a shot to make the step from amateur to professional and pose for playgirl magazine.

25. Beat the Canucks... who I never noticed before this year, might actually be more irritating than Sens fans and are quickly approaching Montreal level.

26. Reach .500. AND BEYOND!

27. Re-evaluate Jason Blake's role on the team. Yeah, I know what we're paying him. But let's face it: Jason Blake is a hard worker and decent secondary scoring but with his hussle and the fact that no one likes Jason Blake he'd be best served as a third line superpest.

28. Grabovski's hair grows to Jaromir Jagr level. Oh yes.

29. Nik Hagman scores 30 goals. Besides the fact that he just put in three against the Ducks and he scored the greatest goal in the history of hockey, here's a little known fact about Nik Hagman: He's got more points every year he's played since the lockout.

2004 Florida Panthers 30 2G 4A 6P
2005 Dallas Stars 51GP 5G 8A 13P

2006 Dallas Stars 82 GP 17G 12A 29P

2007 Dallas Stars 82 GP 27G 14P 41P

2008 Toronto Maple Leafs 65 GP 22G 20A 42P (on pace for an 82 game 28 goal year)

30. Return to the playoffs. As of October 28th 2009, 1-7-1, I still believe.

L&L

ROAAAD TRIP!

Well, the first part of the season is over. Mercifully. Let's take a quick look back. You know what, no, let's not. Let's look ahead at our upcoming road trip and how we might fare. It'll be good for the new Leafs to take their first road trip as a team. Bob Segar, gas stations, road beer... it could be a place to pull something together. Of some form. The Leafs are actually getting a harder time from their fans then their enemies at this point (not the first or last time) so I'm thinking this just might be what the doctor ordered.

I've got hopes that it works out a bit like Almost Famous. The part where they sing Tiny Dancer. Not the part where they confess to sleeping with each others girlfriends, homosexuality, and vehicular manslaughter.

No wait, that's an Ottawa Senators road trip. Kelly Ripa!

I've amused myself to the point that I want to stop this blog right here. I will resist and continue.

SATURDAY: Vancouver

The Leafs roll into Vancouver. James Reimer is expected to get the start when Macdonald is sidelined following Kyle Wellwood confusing him with "McDonalds" and taking a bite out of his arm. The Leafs will spend the majority of the first period in the box as the Canucks think of clever ways to accuse them of tampering. Penalty kill will need to be strong.

Luke Schenn is expected to sit out this game and I can't help but root for this decision. Schenner has been pretty brutal all year and it's good to see Wilson actually show that players are accountable and benching the golden boy is a great way to walk the walk.

MONDAY: Anaheim

Jason "Casper" Blake is not expected to play after attempting to get a tan all day and being too sunburned to play. Vesa Toskala has actually been faking a knee injury as he's really suffering from the same burn from the red light burning the back of his neck. Bobby Ryan sees Brian Burke again and is frightened into scoring eleven goals and ending his slump. Similarly, I've got high hopes that coming back to Anaheim triggers Francois Beauchemin's memories of actually a being capable hockey player.

The good news is we'll have a capable goaltender in net for the first time in ages. Gustavsson or JS Giguere. The better news is we've got the possibility of a George Parros/Ian White moustache battle.

WEDNESDAY: Dallas

I hate Dallas. I hate Ribeiro, I hate Brendan Morrow, I hate Steve Ott. I do like when they sing the american national anthem and the crowd says STAAARS, though. But that's it.

I'm going to be liveblogging this game.

FRIDAY: Buffalo

Funny, if this is a home game, then why is everyone supporting the Leafs?

SATURDAY: Montreal

And everything comes full circle. I've got hopes that maybe this can be the game the Leafs pass the Canadiens in the standings. Maybe that's not realistic. But it's something to think about. What would be better than to see Komisarek, Grabo, and the rest of the Leafs hand it to the Canadiens in front of all their fans?

PREDICTION:
WINS: Canucks, Stars, Canadiens
LOSSES: Ducls, Sabres

L&L

I Am Glad We Have No 1st Rounder

Seven games in with no victories, I am GLAD we traded away our first rounders for Phil Kessel. I don't regret it, even now. Taylor Hall be damned. With every game we lose, more and more people are groaning at the fact that the Bruins have our draft choice. But not me. No way. Uh uh.

As I've stated before, I'm making an effort to be less fickle this year. I'm not going to lose my mind every time the Leafs allow a goal (I'd have about thirty minds lost by now, anyway). I'm staying with the bottle half full. And let's pretend it's a bottle of liquor. So, if my optimism isn't rewarded post game, well, at least I've got something to drink.

Expectations were certainly higher this year. Last year everyone knew damn well we were in a re-build and not to expect much. Burke and company certainly raised the bar this year and everyone started thinking about the playoffs. And I'll say this, as of October 20th, I'm still thinking about the playoffs. We're not going to lose every game, folks. Eventually our defencemen will find chemistry. Eventually our forwards will find the back of the netting. And eventually someone will come into the crease for Toronto who can keep the red light off for more than seven minutes at a time.

Well, hopefully.

As for the Kessel trade, everyone and their mother knows we gave up two first and a second. And as of right now we've traded Taylor Hall, a first, and a second. That seems like we really got bent over. But let's remember: this is as of RIGHT NOW. The draft isn't tomorrow. The draft takes place in June. And we've still got time to have a 150 point season. So, what's the obvious upside to Kessel?

It's been beaten to death. He can score from anywhere, he's got a rocket shot, he's a legitimate top three forward, and he's already a proven goalscorer at age 21. People say that this is only because of Savard but honestly I don't think Marc Savard has been firing shots in off Kessel's nut all year. You don't score that many goals because of someone else. Not at 21, at least. Let's not forget that it's been a dream for Savard to play for the Leafs since he was in junior hockey. Let's not forget that he's a UFA next season. Let's try to forget that players who want to play for Toronto usually wait until they're 45, concussion prone, and impotent. But it is what it is.

Anyway, after all that rambling, I'm STILL glad we traded our first overall. And here's why.

Flash back to the last game last year vs the Sens. Our bitter provincial rivals roll into town and we get a hat trick from working class hero Boyd Devereaux. What happened? People were miserable!

MISERABLE? Boyd Devereaux just scored a hat trick for the Leafs. Boyd Devereaux! Bruce Springsteen probably writes most of his songs about this guy! And we were unhappy. Because we wanted Brayden Schenn. People were hoping to lose games all year so we could tank and get Tavares. Leafs fans...were hoping...for the Leafs...to lose. Quite a dilemma.

And don't get me wrong, I was, in the back of my mind, hoping for that too. But forget everything Kessel brings to the table, what we have now is the ability to cheer for our team as we are meant to: joy when we win, frustration when we lose. If we hadn't traded those picks, people would be jumping for joy in the streets and calling to trade everyone for Bates Battaglia and start making Taylor Hall jerseys. But no. It's not like that. Every single game the Leafs take the ice we are hoping that they pick up a win.

We are winless, but we are united together in our frustration. Just like we will be united when the Leafs pull together and put up some wins. Every single Leafs fan wants to win every game, and every single Leafs fan will be dissapointed when they lose.

And that's what being a fan is all about.

L&L

October 17th, 2009: Leafs vs Rangers

I was out last night drinking tequila and Jack Daniels, so, in other words, I'm going to be staying in tonight and live blogging this game so be sure to check up on game time.

Here's the lines for tonight. Feel free to comment with your thoughts.

Jason Blake - Matt Stajan - Viktor Stalberg
Nik Hagman - Mikhail Grabovski - Alex Ponikarovsky
Niklas Wallin - John Mitchell - Lee Stempniak
Colton Orr - Wayne Primeau - Jay Rosehill

Kaberle - Komisarek
Beauchemin - White
Schenn - Finger

This marks the return of our opening night forward line-up. I'm happy to see the Wallin/Mitchell/Stempy line back (assuming Ron Wilson doesn't put them on the powerplay - Terry Fox finishes better than John Mitchell).

White is hopefully getting some well deserved extra icetime and will ignite Beauchemin like he did Schenn. Ian White is the man. Macdonald gets another start to prove himself. Here's to him.

As for Wilson's pregame speech? Forget it. Just play this:





FIRST INTERMISSION: Okay, so my niece cried for eighty minutes and I missed the first period. And we're losing. Fucking great. Unbelievable start to my first live blog. I have no idea what happened, but oh well, hopefully I'm good luck. Cherry playing the Rocky anthem was MONEY. I don't care what people say about him, he's even better in his crazy old age.

SECOND PERIOD
-Is there any way that Montreal vs Ottawa can have two losers? Someone should bulldoze the arena while they're in it. Maybe we should send Garnet Exelby to body check it. Oh no, but then we'd lose a lot of innocent Montreal/Ottawa fans. Oh no...

-Screw it. I just cracked a beer.("I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up it's the best they'll feel all day").

-Stalberg is an absolute lunatic and he's got wheels like nobodies business. I think we've got a beauty kid.

-Stajan just tossed a pass that I bet Phil Kessel would have buried. MATTYYYYY.

-Brashear backs down from Colton Orr. You know it. Followed up with a big hit on Del Zotto by Primeau. This is what we need this line doing. Causing shit and making kids like Del Zotto nervous.

-God dammit. The Ugly Betty of the Staal family scores on McDonald. Luke Schenn's plus/minus has to be like minus infinite. We need someone making saves like King Henrik because I bet we're going to lose all our momentum. As I typed this he just made the exact same save on the other end.

-Wow. A powerplay goal against the Leafs! Shocker. Macdonald's legs are more open than the hookers outside the ice on Young Street.

-IAN WHITE.

-Boys look fired up all over again. Brashear turned down Orr but Colton and Jay Rosehill think that if they entice him at the same time he'll do both. Math!? Orr just got Brash to take a penalty. Colton Orr is our only signing right now who's doing what we signed him to do.

-Also, I cannot WAIT to see Where the Wild Things are. Then again, how a 90 minute movie got made out of a forty word book is beyond me. It is what it is.

-Stalberg flies to the net like Usain Bolt and almost goes roof daddy with one hand. What a kid. If we had that one, this game would be different. The crowd is getting into it now.

-Grabovski must be shooting a shampoo commercial after this game. Look at this kid! Fucking Rapunzel.

-Komisarek is making his case for captain with solid play and stitches that match his jersey.

-The bad news is Luke Schenn takes a penalty. The good news is he won't be killing it.

-Macdonald makes a big glove save and the Leafs fans applaud a big save for the first time since Ed Belfour left.

-Dear God. Ian White just took a puck to the moustache. Is this going to be like Rookie of the Year when the kids arm breaks and he loses his skill again? Stay tuned.

-Brashear isn't man enough to take on Orr or Rosehill. He decides to start chirping an already cut-up Mike Komisarek. Komisarek responds by audibly calling Brashear a "fucking bitch".

-To close out the 2nd, Matt Stajan gets punched in the face and responds with the intensity of a coma patient. Does he have any feelings? Seriously! He's catatonic.

3RD PERIOD

-Another goal with Schenn on the ice. His confidence has got to be hurting. Not good. Not to mention this really isn't the start we wanted.

-Why is Grabovski not moved to the wing yet? He's got to be the worst faceoff man in the league. It's like having Verne Troyer take faceoffs with his eyes closed and a huge mullett.

-When I'm making Verne Troyer references, we're in a bit of trouble. Speaking of trouble, our penalty kill has been that bad it's covered up the fact that our powerplay is brutal too.

-How rattled do the boys look on the bench? It's like the Breakfast club. Matt Stajan plays Emilio Estevez. Grabo can be Molly Ringwald. Now we just need Ron Wilson handing out detentions.

-Matt Stajan (the most electrifying man in hockey) tries to split through four Rangers. You know you're in hard shape when Stajan is the most exciting player on the ice.

-Hockey Night in Canada...in Punjabi...?

-This would be a different game if we had a goalie like Lundqvist making the saves he's had. This would be the Rangers 7th win in a row. Unreal.

-Del Zotto's visor is so small. He looks like that guy from Star Trek. It's like 1/20 the size of Dany Heatley's.

-Leafs fans get on their case as the Rangers have been in their zone since the cold war.

-Is anyone seeing this animal slow clap commercial? EASILY the best thing I've seen all night.

-Del Zotto's parents don't seem to care much about this game. They look like Matt Stajan's parents.

-I can't do this anymore. I'm going to let the last two minutes speak for themselves. All the best.

L&L

BREAKING NEWS: Vesa Toskala Suicide Attempt

Vesa Toskala (32), a Finland native, attempted to throw himself in front of a bus in the GTA late this evening.

The attempt failed when the bus went through his legs. Toskala escaped unharmed.

Simple Friday Thought

There are two types of hockey fans.

1. Fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
2. People who hate the Leafs and support another team on the side.

Pathetic.

Maple Leafian Rhapsody

BURKE

Is this the real life?

Or just MLSE?

TOSKALA

I'm in a slump,

there's no way you won't score on me.

GUSTAVSSON

Ron open your eyes,

I'm the number one guy, you seeee?

WILSON

I'm just the coach

I don't know what to do with our D

BEACHEMIN

Because I'm awful pinch, easy goal

Sometimes I'm good, sometimes no

TLUSTY

Any time my dick shows,

doesn't really matter to me,

to me...

ROSEHILL

Burkie, just killed a Hab.

Put my fists into his head,

He looks like he might be dead.

MOEN

Burkie, life had just begun...

I should never went and signed with Montreal.

MAPLE LEAFS

Burkie, ooh,

Didn't mean to make you cry,

If we don't beat the Sens this time tomorrow,

carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.

BURKE

Too late, your time has come.

WILSON

You'll be riding on the pine.

BURKE

Or be gone at the deadline.

WILSON

Goodbye, everybody, you've got to go.

BURKE

You can watch the game with me up in the booth.

LEAFS FANS

Burkie, ooooh.

We don't wanna die,

without seeing the Stanley Cup at all.

WILSON

I see a little silhouetto of a man,

Grabovski! Grabovski!

I wish you would keep your head up.

ORR

Now it's time for fighting,

who's ready to take on me?

BURKE

Colton Orro, Colton Orro!

Colton Orr with the KO!

BLAKE

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

BURKE

Blake, you're not poor, no,

you're making 4.3!

Let's clear our cap from this monstrosity.

WHITE

Easy come, easy go.

Watch my moustache grow.

SCHENN

Lombardi, no!

Let my brother go! (Let Brayden go!)

KOMISAREK

Come on ref, no!

I'm in the box alone (he's alone!)

KADRI

Oh Burkie no!

Got sent back to the O (To the O!)

KESSEL

Chiarelli no!

Why won't you let me go?

Why won't you let me go?

Why won't you let me go?

BURKE

Phil-KESSEL's here!

And he's coming back to score forty...

Forty...

Forty!

*Luke Schenn guitar solo*

KESSEL

Don't you think you can stop me when I'm on the fly!

KOMISAREK

If you touch Kaberle,

then you're gonna die!

Whoaaaa baby.

WHITE

Garnet Exelby's crazy.

LEAFS FANS

Just gotta get it right, just gotta get it right this year!

*Matt Stajan piano riff*

LEAFS NATION

Nothing really matters, nothing else this year.

The playoffs are what matters, the playoffs are what matters...

To me.

TLUSTY

Any time my dick....shows....

FADE OUT.

Curb your Enthusiam (And your Anger)

Alright, so we've got two games under our belt and we've yet to record a victory. We've also allowed ten goals total in those games. And we lost to the Canadiens, and my least favorite team in the NHL, the Capitals. And we didn't look all that mean against the Caps, to boot. So, right now we're on pace to record 41 points, make the 2008 Islanders look like the 1981 Islanders, and hand the Bruins Taylor Hall on a platter.

Haaaaaaaang on. There's still 80 games left, and that's more than enough to make the playoffs - which, I still predict we will, by the way. I'm making a firm effort to be less fickle this season.

The Leafs/Canadiens game was a fun watch. I watched with a split of Leafs and Habs fans and I got so drunk I had to go watch the highlights the next morning because the 3rd/OT were pretty hazy. Toskala didn't have an awful game but didn't do anything that could potentially win us the game (like Carey Price did). We need more from our goalies if we're going to get into the playoffs. We massively outshot the Canadiens and my main man Matty Stajan popped in two goals. Nice to see Orr and Rosehill work some magic, too, as I love people taking on Laraque and Orr did quite well. Francois Beachemin, after being considered our defensive rock and future captain had an absolute HOWLER of a game and he can't play that badly like...ever again. Ever. Overall, tough loss but we look a point of of it so life goes on.

Against the Caps, we needed Toskala to bounce back and set the tone that the Caps couldn't be sniping on him from all areas. Toskala figured it was better to let three in during the first period so we could toss Gustavsson to the most offensively gifted team in the NHL and he hopefully looked bad enough to give him another start over the Monster later in the week. Stalberg looked a lot more ordinary in this game (he is, after all, human...a human rookie, no less). Jamal Mayers was strong on the forecheck (I cannot believe I just gave Mayers credit for something) and if we can take one positive from this game, it's the 3rd. We settled down a bit and kept pushing in a game that was already gone, basically. The conditioning of the Leafs really shows as the 3rd period is usually reserved for defensive collapses. Minor note from that game: was anyone as surprised as I was with Orr/Primeau/Mayers getting as much ice time as they did?

So, those two games are done. Two. We've still got 97.84% of the season left. I think that's more than enough time to turn things around. What needs to be turned around, specifically? Well, it's fairly obvious. The usual suspects: goaltending, defence, and penalty killing. In that order.

GOALTENDING
Tick-tock, Toskala. Toskala has showed over and over that he really seems to be an average goaltender. He's healthy, he's got a back-up to push him, he's got a funny finnish accent, so what's the problem? It's seeming more and more that Vesa himself is the issue. Again, we're only two games in, but Gustavsson came in cold and still had a slightly better game than Vesa. However, It's clear that he's still a 24 year old goalie with a lot of promise as opposed to the Swedish Jesus that we've made him out to be - point being, we still need to have a good game in front of him to win some hockey games.

If we're sticking with the "no sense of entitlement", Gustavsson should get the nod next game as Toskala just hasn't been good enough. I think it's noteworthy that we have Joey McDonald with the Marlies who has proven on an awful Islanders team he can be a decent goaltender with a good save percentage. Keep him in the back of your mind and good thing we didn't lose him on waivers.

DEFENCE

Okay, we've been bad defensively the last couple games. Unbelievably so. And with all our new defencemen it was expected that they'd solve this issue. However, there's a couple of things we need to keep in mind.

#1: Not one member of our defence is playing with the same partner he played with last year. It takes time to gel and adjust.
#2: These new blueliners need to adapt to Ron Wilson's style. Actually, some of the old blueliners still need to adapt to Ron Wilson's style.
#3: Luke Schenn is an aggresive, intelligent, physical player but he's also still 20 years old.
#4: I still can't believe I gave Jamal Mayers some positive feedback.

To dish out some praise, I'm really happy with Mike Komisarek. Yeah, he's taken up some real estate in the penalty box but the majority of those were in an emotional game against his old team and the penalty against Washington was debatable. He's played hard, physically, and has shown a lot of leadership. He's got my vote for captain. I've also got to point out how much he's changed Tomas Kaberle's game. Kaberle looks patient, poised, and is back to playing cool, collected, and smart hockey. I forgot how much of an asset Kaberle is to our team. Ian White has played good hockey as well and I think it's well known now that he's the #5 D.

Beachemin has been GOD AWFUL. What is going on with him? He was above and beyond our best pointman in the pre-season but he just looks unbelievably rattled and it looks like it's rubbing off on Schenn. Yikes.

PENALTY KILL

One of the biggest things when Mike Komisarek takes a penalty is that we miss him killing it. The forwards have done alright (especially in the WSH game) but again, the blueliners have looked real bad. This needs to be adjusted. Something does.

Is anyone else a bit surprised by the lack of hard-nosed play from the Leafs? I was dying for someone to knock the face off of somebody in the first period of the caps game but it just didn't happen. Sigh.

Anyway, on a closing note, how good has that Mitchell/Wallin/Stempniak line been? Surprising stuff.

Hold on tight boys, it's going to be a rocky ride.

L&L

Your 2009 Leafs: Plus/Minus (Part II)

So, Captain Mats called it a career today. I'm not going to write a column on this but I can't just not mention it. Glad to see he retired quickly so we can just appreciate him for what he was instead of wondering what he's doing all year. Apparently this decision was made easier by an offer to tour Sweden in a public speaking circuit about the importance of quick decisions. Anyway.

The other day we went over the Leafs forwards and we're going to pick off right where we ended and review the blueline and goaltending. Part of me is surprised we've still got ten NHLish defencemen and I can't help but think someone is getting dealt fairly shortly. The most likely candidate is Ian White as he is low cost, coming off the books at the end of the year, and to be honest probably has the most value of any of the Leafs blueliners (minus the top four). Anyway, for now, we're all still here so let's get right down to it.

TOMAS KABERLE
+ Strong puck moving skills and the best first pass on the team
+ One of the NHL's finest PP quarterbacks
+ Has the same giant eyebrows as Peter Gallagher
+ Potential to have a break out season with some added toughness around him and without Cam Janssen trying to make him into the next Steve Moore
- Isn't Jeff Carter and a 1st Rounder

MIKE KOMISAREK
+ Gives Tomas Kaberle room to move forward with his stay-at-home style
+ Will piss off Montreal fans for years to come
+ Is a massive, physical, shot blocking defenceman
- Still smells like poutine and cigarettes

LUKE SCHENN
+ Can follow up on a strong rookie season with a strong defense corps around him both to learn from and to relieve him of excessive ice time
+ Can now buy beer in Canada
- Cannot buy beer in the US
+ Is Luke Schenn
- Sexually excites Pierre Maguire

FRANCOIS BEAUCHEMIN
+ Might be the sleeper pick for best free agent signing of the summer
+ Hammer slapshot brings me back to the Kaberle/McCabe days on the powerplay (minus McCabe's defensive woes and fetish for giveaways)
+ True complete player: offensive upside rounded out by solid defensive play
+ Great fighter (but understands he's too important to be taking a significant amount of five minute penalties)
- Sounds like he should play for Montreal
+ Doesn't play for Montreal

IAN WHITE
+ Moustache
+ Versatile, hard working, honest player
+ Great on the powerplay
- May get traded and make me cry
- May shave moustache and make me cry

GARNET EXELBY
+ The hardest hitting defenceman in the league (minus Dion Phaneuf)
+ No BS, "off the glass" puck clearing style
- Off-season diet composed of rocks and trees
- Pre-season diet composed of shinpads and Jason Allison's soul

JEFF FINGER
+ Actually has pretty strong numbers in points, hits, and blocked shots
+ Is a very solid bottom two defenceman
- Gets paid like a Norris Trophy winner

MIKE VAN RYN
+ Really strong offensive defenceman
- Will probably be the end of free health care in Canada

CARL GUNNARSSON
+ Strong preseason: he wouldn't still be on the roster otherwise
+ Reminds of me Gunnar Stahl of Mighty Ducks fame (Good game, Captain Duck)
- Won't make the team

VESA TOSKALA
+ Has the silliest interview voice since Dominik Hasek
+ Has a chance to prove himself now that he's finally healthy
+ Will hopefully get the same kind of competition with Gustavsson as he did with Nabokov
- Doesn't seem to enjoy stopping pucks
- Lacks size to the point that he looks like he should play on the Canadiens first line

JONAS GUSTAVSSON
+ Big goalie with great reflexes and rapid crease movement
+ Has the city of Toronto singing his name
- The Toronto fans may pressure him to the point that he curls up into a ball and either goes insane or gives up on hockey to focus on shooting Bootlegger ads.

JOEY MACDONALD
+ Strong season last year with an awful Islanders team
+ Strong preseason
+ Gives us the ability to trade Toskala if Gustavsson is as good as he's supposed to be
- Was put on Waivers to go to the Marlies and will probably be claimed as the Isle's 8th back-up

Also...LEAFS/HABS. TOMORROW.

L&L

Your 2009 Leafs: Plus/Minus (part I)

Okay, so it's been a while. Apologies to the readers, and thanks for your patience. However, I've started a new job and until you guys start clicking advertisements to the point I don't need to actually work then this may occur. But here's hoping we don't have to wait this long again. Fingers crossed. I guess in my absense the crucial thing that's happened is the Phil Kessel trade/signing. In the meantime, everyone and their mother has had their input on the trade, so I'm going to keep this brief:

BOSTON RECEIVES:
2010 1st Rounder
2010 2nd Rounder
2011 1st Rounder

TORONTO RECEIVES:
Phil Kessel
One of Phil Kessel's testicles

If you don't like this trade, you can suck it. Seriously. We have a true goal scorer on our roster (which we haven't had since...err...)who's 21 years old. 21. He's going to be our go to guy for goals for years to come and when he's going to be in his prime Bozak, Kadri, Stalberg, and co. will be heating up at the same time and we're going to be a powerhouse. In the meantime, Kessel is not a prospect. He scored 36 goals in the regular season, scored 11 pts in 11 playoff games, and yeah, he's 21. He's not only our best option for the future but he's also our best player right now.

I heard people say that it's like we traded Luke Schenn and Nazem Kadri for Kessel. Well, here's the issue with this: we still have Luke Schenn and Nazem Kadri - and Phil Kessel. All we've lost are three generic pimple-faced seventeen year olds being drafted 10th - 20th in the next couple drafts (which if you haven't heard aren't exactly deep draft years) which could be a Kadri/Schenn calibre player but is FAR more likely to be an Alex Steen/Luca Cereda player. Stop fretting and enjoy the deal. Things are looking up.

Speaking of how things are looking, let's have a look at the ups and downs of what we've got for the rest of the year up front.

JASON BLAKE
+ Loves to score goals
+ Loves Jason Blake
- Can't seem to find old goal scoring ability
- No one else likes Jason Blake

TYLER BOZAK
+ Unbelievable hockey IQ and playmaking skills
+ Slowly becoming my favorite Leaf
- Cut off sweet hockey hair
- Two way contract and lack of experience makes him likely to start as a Marlie (though I doubt for long)

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI
+ Coming off a strong yet inconsistent offensive season
+ Will battle for #1 centre job with Matt Stajan
+ Equal passion for hockey and citrus fruit
- Spent more time on the ice during pre-season then the zamboni
+ Seemingly enjoyed this punishment (AKA: Not giving a fuckulence)

NIKLAS HAGMAN
+ Scored the greatest goal in the history of hockey
+ Can play in the top six and bottom six
- I can't claim a minus for Hagman as I fear PPP will refuse to plug my blog

PHIL KESSEL
+ 36 Goals
- 1 Testicle

NIKOLAI KULEMIN
+ Added 20 lbs to his frame in the off-season
+ Once drew comparisons to Evgeni Malkin
- Spent the pre-season pretending to be Lee Stempniak
- Is nowhere near as skilled as Malkin
+ Is nowhere near as ugly as Malkin

JASON ALLISON
- Isn't actually on the team: Allison has yet to complete his skate off the ice since being cut

JOHN MITCHELL
+ Is the best mediocre centre in the NHL
- Is the most lethal soccer player on the Toronto Maple Leafs

COLTON ORR
+ Kills people
- Projected to score 75 goals and may make Jason Blake jealous

ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY
+ A 6'3 Ukrainian covered in blood adds a lot to the Leafs new tough image
- Ponikarovsky adds nothing to the Leafs new tough image

WAYNE PRIMEAU
+ Adds grit and experience
+ Helps our lackluster PK
- Re-enforces Brian Burke's eternal hard-on for using the crappier brother in a checking role
- Spends his personal time sitting in a museum on display

JAY ROSEHILL
+ Unbelievable physical presence
+ Completely fearless
+ Much like Wade Belak, can play both forward and defence
- Much like Wade Belak, completely inept at both positions

VIKTOR STALBERG
+ Finished 2nd in pre-season scoring
+ Unbelieably fast
+ Defensively responsible
+ Uses big frame to his advantage
+ Plays a physical game
- ...

MATT STAJAN
+ Could turn some heads with surprising play as the teams #1 centre
- Is more likely to break my heart and get traded before December

LEE STEMPNIAK
+ Appears to have decided he wants to play hockey this year
- Still the guy that was nearly outscored by Carlo Crippleacovo last year

JIRI TLUSTY
+ Potential to be an unbelievable player
- Now wanders aimlessly around the ice as if he's debating a career switch to the porn industry

RICKARD WALLIN
+ Helped bring Jonas Gustavsson to the Leafs
+ Wilson praises his positional play
- Wallin is always so perfectly in position that he cannot be captured by the human eye

JAMAL MAYERS
+ Has a cool nickame (Jammer)
+ Looks like a black Mr. Clean
- Jamal Mayers sucks

Stay tuned for Part II in the next couple days...

L&L

From the Top to the Bottom

Since Brian Burke arrived in Toronto, nearly everything he has said has been speculated, torn apart, and gone into more than Elisha Cuthbert at an NHLPA meeting. Burke arrived in Toronto with a clear agenda regarding what he wanted his team to be. Burke preaches three things, primarily:

1) Player Accountability
2) Team Toughness
3) Top Six/Bottom Fix Format

He's said it time and time again: "I build my team top six and bottom six". The general idea is that the skilled players make up the top six (Anaheim: Selanne, Getzlaf, Perry) and six players who are hard-nosed, responsible players make up the bottom six (Moen, Pahlsson, Rob Niedermayer). Since Burke arrived, we've spent the summer looking over our forwards and classifying them as top six/bottom six. So let's go right ahead and categorize the players who have any shot whatsoever at making the team.

Top Six: Grabovski, Bozak, Kulemin, Stalberg, Tlusty, Stempniak, Blake

Bottom Six: Wallin, Hanson, Orr, Primeau, Mayers, Mitchell

Yes, that's only thirteen forwards. And between Bozak, Kulemin, Tlusty, Stalberg and Hanson, I'm guessing at least two of them are heading to the Marlies. Not to mention if I have to watch Lee Stempniak float around with Harry Potter's invisibility cloak another year I'm not going to be pleased. Not to mention my irrational hatred for Jamal Mayers. To hell with Jamal Mayers. I'd trade him for Bryan Berards left eye. I've placed three in the grey area.

Grey Area: Alexei Ponikarovski, Niklas Hagman, Matt Stajan

These are players that are; on a decent team, third liners. However, they have the ability to step up to the top two "skilled lines". Bozak, Kulemin, Blake, Hanson, and even John Mitchell could potentially be in this area but they're more clearly defined. But to take a look at those players, I'd consider them to be three of our top performers last year. So, do we limit their icetime because they play a harder style?

This brings me to my point. Burke builds his teams top six/bottom six. That doesn't mean that Ron Wilson makes his line combinations built on that. If you ask me our best five proven forwards and our six forwards most likely to be considered "top six material", it looks like this.

BEST: Blake, Poni, Hagman, Grabovski, Stajan

TOP6: Grabovski, Blake, Kulemin, Tlusty, Bozak

Of course, this is all opinion based... but the theory is there: the top six players are not always the best six players. And the "top six players" may not necessarily be logging the most ice time or even be playing on the same lines. While I feel roughly half of Burke's forwards nails and the other half hammers, it's up to Wilson if he wants to make a line with a hammer and two nails.

And if Colton Orr comes out every night and scores three goals, you better believe he's going to be playing on the first line.

-

L&L

The Greatest Goal In the History Of Hockey

If there's one thing that ticks me off a little bit (okay, there's more than one), it's the amount of times I've had to watch that Ovechkin goal. I'm not going to link to it, but you know the one I'm talking about.

Ovechkin cuts down the ice, blazing with speed, giggling at his teammates as they call for a pass. He moves in, dives onto his knees to ensure that this will be a highlight goal, and is clipped by a Coyotes defenseman. He spills onto his back and as a last ditch effort, throws the puck aimlessly towards the net. The shot gets by Vezina trophy candidate Phillipe Sauvé as he slides out of position, wondering if Gretzky will ever come out of retirement to centre their first line.

Sure, it was a fun goal, and kudos to Ovechkin for his "never say die" attitude towards hockey (and his "never look in the mirror" style of personal grooming), but I've heard people proclaim this as the best goal in the history of hockey. It's just not. One; It's a lucky goal, two; scoring a goal against the Phoenix Coyotes is the equivalent of a hole in one playing mini-golf, and most importantly, that honor belongs to our very own Nik Hagman...

This goal is fantastic. Watch it. If you've seen it before, watch it again. Eight or nine times. Is this the greatest goal in the history of hockey? Maybe. Here's why I think it just might be.

1. Matt Stajan: Okay, this is a prologue to the goal, but Matt Stajan is fantastic. He's not great, he's not flashy, and he gives the dullest interviews: if the Leafs were a 100 Flavour Ice Cream Parlour, Stajan would be "Vanilla". (Kyle Wellwood is "Cookie Dough". Colton Orr would be "Blood 'n' Guts". Jamal Mayers is chocol...nah. Let's not say that). But with Stajan, you know what you're getting. Get on the ice, do your job, and change it up. I hope we can fit him into the line-up because I'd love to see him win a cup with the Leafs one day.

2. Four seconds into the clip, Hagman gets drilled by the linesman like he's cutting across Scott Stevens' blueline. As he attempts to get up, he takes a knee to the head. Directly afterwards, a shot from the blueline takes a deflection, hitting him in the face (I'm laughing as I write this) and he angrily swats it away.

Let's recap. A man with a history of concussions takes a bodycheck, a knee to the head, and a puck to the forehead in 2.8 seconds. I timed it.

3. Hagman gets up and clearly has no idea where he is. He begins to skate towards the bench as the announcer claims "Hagman's hurt". Hagman apparently hears this and takes it as a personal slight because he does a 180 and heads back into the corner.

4. At the :30 mark, the announcer says "Stempniak looks for Hagman". This is ironic as the Leafs spent the rest of the year looking for Stempniak.

5. At :35 he says "Stajan tries a wrap-around, nope". Stajan obviously decided against using such an exciting maneuver. Maybe someone in his family has a heart condition and he doesn't want to be overstimulating.

6. Hagman regains the puck three seconds later, dangles aimlessly with his helmet over his eyes, beats three guys and calmly undresses the goalie before sliding it into the net.

7. The best part about this goal, maybe, is the celebration - or lack thereof. Hagman scores the best goal in the history of sport and reacts like he just scored an empty netter in a pre-season game. He looks like a child walking home from school after failing a test.

And off-camera, somewhere in the midst of the Leafs bench, Jason Blake is pumping his fist like there's no tomorrow.

L&L

Faceoffs and Team Building

Much has been said regarding the Leafs having competition for jobs. Brian Burke has come in and established the "no free rides" effect where people are going to have to actually perform to get their icetime (somewhere in the distance, Bryan McCabe wakes up in a cold sweat) and won't just get thrown into the lineup. Burke's mentioned this, stating that there's 25 guys in the weight room daily. However, at least eight of these players are just people Mike Komisarek brought in as dumbbells.

Still, it really is quite crowded in terms of roster spots. We've got more blueliners than John Ferguson's got brain cells. However, there's also quite a jam in the middle. If you look down the depth chart, it looks something like this:

Mikhail Grabovski
Matt Stajan
Tyler Bozak
Rickard Wallin
John Mitchell
Jiri Tlusty
Wayne Primeau

That's seven players who have a fairly reasonable shot at making the Leafs. I can't help but think that Grabo really is going to get the chance to establish himself as our number one centre. As much as I love Stajan, right now he looks pretty lost in the shuffle and may end up being traded. Look for Bozak to be our top rookie this year and claim the number two spot (and write me down as the one who said that, I'm probably Bozak's number one fan). Assuming he adjusts to the NHL, Wallin will take the third line spot (along with significant penalty killing time). John Mitchell will continue to be the best fourth line centre in the NHL, and this leaves Tlusty and Primeau in the press box. However, with Tlusty lighting up the Marlies I've got a feeling (and not in a Black Eyed Peas kind of way) that he's going to get a shot at making the big club and I'm guessing Primeau will fill in as a role player and is mostly here to help the dressing room. We've also got Christian Hanson who can play as a centre and apparently Nazem Kadri is making a run as well.

Apparently, this competition has been the cause of some animousity among the players. Ron Wilson and Brian Burke have scheduled an emergency skate/team building exercise that only the players competing for centremen positions attended. I was lucky enough to attend this practice.

***

Mikhail Grabovski, Matt Stajan, Tyler Bozak, Rickard Wallin, John Mitchell, Wayne Primeau, Jiri Tlusty, Nazem Kadri, and Christian Hanson are doing rigorous skating exercises, being watched by Ron Wilson. Burke approaches Wilson.

Burke: How are the boys looking?

Wilson: Good. Everyone seems to be working hard. Tlusty doesn't really seem like he's that committed. He didn't even wear gear.

Burke: Well Ron if it's only a skate, do they really need to be wearing full gear?

Wilson: Burkie. Look at him. He's completely naked.

Burke: God dammit. I thought we got that sorted out. Call them over.

Ron Wilson blows his whistle and the players skate over, exhausted.

Mitchell: This is brutal. We're here doing double practice for team building the Canadiens got to visit the cast of the Lord of the Rings.

Bozak: Really? How did they manage that?

Mitchell: Apparently Scott Gomez has connections.

Wilson: Alright boys, pipe down. Now, we're going to go around in a circle and everyone is going to say something interesting about themselves and what they bring to the Leafs. Pretend you guys have never met, we need a fresh start. Christian, I guess we'll start with you.

Hanson: Hey, I'm Christian Hanson. I started with the Leafs at the end of last year. I guess an interesting thing about me would be that my dad was actually in the Slapshot movies -

The team lets out an exasperated sigh.

Hanson: What? You guys didn't know! I even brought the glasses! How cool is that?

Wilson: Christian nobody cares. Seriously. Stop bringing that up. Grabo?

Grabovski: I am Grabovski. I will play first line. I will score eighty goals. I will kill Jason Blake.

Burke (quietly): Well, that's a salary off the cap...

Bozak: Hey, I'm Tyler Bozak. I played in the NCAA and I'm happy to be here in Toronto. I guess an interesting story would be that I used to have long hair like Grabovski but a couple days after I signed with Toronto I was attacked by four russian mobsters. They pinned me down and cut it off. How weird is that?

Grabovski: Yes. Quite weird.

Theo Fleury: Hi, I'm Theo Fleury and I'm an alcoholic. I'm pretty down on my luck, I spent all my money on cocaine and pyramid schemes. I...I think I'm at the wrong meeting. Crap. This is embarassing...uh, Brian, while I'm here, could we talk about maybe a contract or -

Burke: No. Get out.

Theo Fleury begins to skate off the ice. Suddenly, Garnet Exelby skates onto the ice chewing on an elbow pad and flattens Fleury with an open ice hit.

Burke: Exelby, what are you doing here? You're not a centre!

Exelby: WHERE STEWY. WHY YOU SEND HIM AWAY? ANGRY!

Burke: We've been over this. We traded him to Calgary.

Exelby: WHERE CALGARY.

Burke: On the other end of the country Garnet. Settle down.

Exelby looks at Burke with a look of determination, and skates away, presumably to Calgary to find Colin Stuart.

Wilson: Er, I guess this is a good time for you to go Wayne.

Primeau: Ah...this is awkward. I didn't think I was actually going to have to play. I thought I was going to be kind of like the Brad May deal where I just lived with Luke Schenn and got to sleep with the less attractive friend when he brought girls home. Sorry. Er, how about you, kid?

Nazem: Hi guys, I'm Nazem Kad-

Wilson: You're not playing in the NHL this year Nazem.

Nazem: But I figured if I worked really ha-

Wilson: No.

Nazem: I really thi-

Wilson: Get off the ice.

Burke: And call LA. Offer them you and a second rounder for Brayden Schenn. And Christian, take those god damn glasses off.

Kadri skates off the ice, dejected.

Wallin: I'm Rickard Wallin, I played in Sweden last year with Jonas.

Burke: And what are you doing here? You're not going to be playing centre for us!

Wallin: You want me to play on the wing?

Burke: No. We signed you to for Gustavsson.

Wallin: Well, that's okay, but I can still contribute on the ice.

Burke: Didn't you read your contract? We signed you to basically be his assistant. Carry his bag, answer his phone...

Grabovski: Eat his pineapple.

Burke: Exactly. Wait, what?

Wilson: Moving on. Mitchell?

Mitchell: I'm John Mitchell and I wish Tlusty would take his penis off my shoulder. I think that's it for me.

Burke: Okay. Tradebait? I mean, Stajan?

Stajan: Well you know, I think we worked really hard tonight. We put in a hard effort and sometimes you get the bounces sometimes you don't.

Burke: Did you hear me? This isn't an interview son. The media isn't here.

Stajan: Well you know, I think we worked really hard tonight. Sometimes you get the bounces sometimes you don't.

Burke: Dammit. I think he's stuck.

Stajan: Well, you know, I think we worked really hard to-

Wilson: OKAY, let's keep this going. Tlusty?

Tlusty: I'm Jiri. I did my time in the AHL and I'm going to be scoring five goal games for the Leafs this year. They call me the Czechoslovakian Flash.

Burke: That's Teemu Selannes nickname.

Tlusty: Yes, but mine refers to my...

Stajan: Well you know, I think we worked really hard tonight...

Burke: Someone get him out of here.

-L&L

The Leafs High School Report Card

With a Harvard graduate as general manager and the recent focus on US College Hockey Players, education is clearly important in the Toronto Maple Leafs organization. I recently obtained a document that revealed that the Leafs organization has been attending high school for the majority of the year. Here is the team report card from the 2008-2009 school year.


Mathematics: B+

Ron Wilson has taken an active interest in the course, especially attempting how to solve how Lee Stempniak has managed to score 44 points. The rest of the class are still attempting to figure out who Lee Stempniak is and why Alexander Steen now plays with the Blues. I do have Lee Stempniak on my attendance list but he is yet to show up to any classes.

The free agent signings have adapted fairly well to the class despite a late arrival, with the exception of Garnet Exelby who can’t seem to count or even read double digits. He reads the number fifty five as “five and five”, claims he weighs “two-one-four heavy big pounds”, and reads 3000 as “three- oooooh”. He’s also eaten two calculators and a stapler.

Physical Education: A

The team has performed exceptionally well in this area, with a brief exception during the soccer unit of the course which left Matt Stajan with an eye injury. Luckily this was dealt with quickly as the nurses office is overstaffed since the departure of Carlo Coliacovo.

We are fairly confident this was an accident at the hands of John Mitchell but some insist that this was Mikhail Grabovski’s attempt to move up the depth chart. We have no proof of this but we also suspect Grabovski was responsible for an attempted shooting on Stajan which was fortunately blocked by Vesa Toskala. Toskala was okay but slightly shaken, unfamiliar with the concept of stopping a shot.

Also on the subject of goaltending, Justin Pogge has dropped this course. Justin seemed quite disinterested and his work ethic was subpar, showing up to gym class in Bootlegger jeans and making Zoolander faces instead putting any effort into improvement.


Economics: C-

Jeff Finger is at risk of failing this course as he seems to think all goods and services are more valuable than they are. As we became concerned with his performance in the class, we asked Cliff Fletcher about the Finger's problem. Cliff became quite uncomfortable and mumbled something about Kurt Sauer.

Tomas Kaberle has been excused from this class as becomes visibly distressed any time the class enters a discussion about the value of goods.


Public Speaking: B-

This course has been difficult to evaluate as Brian Burke monopolizes discussion in class and insists on bringing a microphone to overpower the other students.

Alexei Ponikarovsky has made a turn from the better since Burke arrived, helping out some other players with their course load. However, he’s been acting a little strangely and insisting he was born on the border of Canada and the United States and showing up to class wearing an Uncle Sam costume.

Admittedly, having former teammate Mats Sundin to do a guest lecture on decisiveness was not a good option. Nor was Jason Blake’s four hour speech on “how awesome Jason Blake is”.


Physics: D

The entire class has been stuck on this problem for months: Pavel Kubina skates at a rate of .004 miles per hour. If we were to lay out a path of ice to Atlanta, how long would it take him to arrive? At what point in his journey would he be passed by A) A Snail B) Terry Fox C) John Ferguson’s thought process?


Home Economics: N/A

We were unable to begin this course this year as we are still recovering from Kyle Wellwood devouring our food supply.


Shop/Wood Working: N/A

We were unable to finish this course as a result of Garnet Exelby; upon arrival, devouring our wood supply.


Geography: B+

Brian Burke has also taken a strong interest in this course. He became so fascinated with the material he scheduled a trip to Sweden. However, this was during a crucial time in the school year and we’re suspicious he intimidated Dave Nonis; a more timid student, into doing his assignments for him.


Art: A-

Luke Schenn has been at the top of the class here, as he seems to create a masterpiece on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of the older students such as Jamal Mayers are content to sit back and watch Schenn work.

Jiri Tlusty and Mike Van Ryn seemed to strike up a friendship in this class and chose to sculp each other. Jiri’s sculpture of Van Ryn was very accurate but sadly broke into a million pieces as someone sneezed within five feet of it. Van Ryn’s statue was so good it has probably made more of an impact on the Leafs this year than Tlusty himself. It appears Van Ryn's inspiration was Michelangelo's David except with the modern twist of a cell phone camera in hand.

Finally, Colton Orr, despite only joining the class at the end of the term has made a delightful necklace out of what we assume are Todd Fedoruk’s teeth.


-LL