October 17th, 2009: Leafs vs Rangers

I was out last night drinking tequila and Jack Daniels, so, in other words, I'm going to be staying in tonight and live blogging this game so be sure to check up on game time.

Here's the lines for tonight. Feel free to comment with your thoughts.

Jason Blake - Matt Stajan - Viktor Stalberg
Nik Hagman - Mikhail Grabovski - Alex Ponikarovsky
Niklas Wallin - John Mitchell - Lee Stempniak
Colton Orr - Wayne Primeau - Jay Rosehill

Kaberle - Komisarek
Beauchemin - White
Schenn - Finger

This marks the return of our opening night forward line-up. I'm happy to see the Wallin/Mitchell/Stempy line back (assuming Ron Wilson doesn't put them on the powerplay - Terry Fox finishes better than John Mitchell).

White is hopefully getting some well deserved extra icetime and will ignite Beauchemin like he did Schenn. Ian White is the man. Macdonald gets another start to prove himself. Here's to him.

As for Wilson's pregame speech? Forget it. Just play this:





FIRST INTERMISSION: Okay, so my niece cried for eighty minutes and I missed the first period. And we're losing. Fucking great. Unbelievable start to my first live blog. I have no idea what happened, but oh well, hopefully I'm good luck. Cherry playing the Rocky anthem was MONEY. I don't care what people say about him, he's even better in his crazy old age.

SECOND PERIOD
-Is there any way that Montreal vs Ottawa can have two losers? Someone should bulldoze the arena while they're in it. Maybe we should send Garnet Exelby to body check it. Oh no, but then we'd lose a lot of innocent Montreal/Ottawa fans. Oh no...

-Screw it. I just cracked a beer.("I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up it's the best they'll feel all day").

-Stalberg is an absolute lunatic and he's got wheels like nobodies business. I think we've got a beauty kid.

-Stajan just tossed a pass that I bet Phil Kessel would have buried. MATTYYYYY.

-Brashear backs down from Colton Orr. You know it. Followed up with a big hit on Del Zotto by Primeau. This is what we need this line doing. Causing shit and making kids like Del Zotto nervous.

-God dammit. The Ugly Betty of the Staal family scores on McDonald. Luke Schenn's plus/minus has to be like minus infinite. We need someone making saves like King Henrik because I bet we're going to lose all our momentum. As I typed this he just made the exact same save on the other end.

-Wow. A powerplay goal against the Leafs! Shocker. Macdonald's legs are more open than the hookers outside the ice on Young Street.

-IAN WHITE.

-Boys look fired up all over again. Brashear turned down Orr but Colton and Jay Rosehill think that if they entice him at the same time he'll do both. Math!? Orr just got Brash to take a penalty. Colton Orr is our only signing right now who's doing what we signed him to do.

-Also, I cannot WAIT to see Where the Wild Things are. Then again, how a 90 minute movie got made out of a forty word book is beyond me. It is what it is.

-Stalberg flies to the net like Usain Bolt and almost goes roof daddy with one hand. What a kid. If we had that one, this game would be different. The crowd is getting into it now.

-Grabovski must be shooting a shampoo commercial after this game. Look at this kid! Fucking Rapunzel.

-Komisarek is making his case for captain with solid play and stitches that match his jersey.

-The bad news is Luke Schenn takes a penalty. The good news is he won't be killing it.

-Macdonald makes a big glove save and the Leafs fans applaud a big save for the first time since Ed Belfour left.

-Dear God. Ian White just took a puck to the moustache. Is this going to be like Rookie of the Year when the kids arm breaks and he loses his skill again? Stay tuned.

-Brashear isn't man enough to take on Orr or Rosehill. He decides to start chirping an already cut-up Mike Komisarek. Komisarek responds by audibly calling Brashear a "fucking bitch".

-To close out the 2nd, Matt Stajan gets punched in the face and responds with the intensity of a coma patient. Does he have any feelings? Seriously! He's catatonic.

3RD PERIOD

-Another goal with Schenn on the ice. His confidence has got to be hurting. Not good. Not to mention this really isn't the start we wanted.

-Why is Grabovski not moved to the wing yet? He's got to be the worst faceoff man in the league. It's like having Verne Troyer take faceoffs with his eyes closed and a huge mullett.

-When I'm making Verne Troyer references, we're in a bit of trouble. Speaking of trouble, our penalty kill has been that bad it's covered up the fact that our powerplay is brutal too.

-How rattled do the boys look on the bench? It's like the Breakfast club. Matt Stajan plays Emilio Estevez. Grabo can be Molly Ringwald. Now we just need Ron Wilson handing out detentions.

-Matt Stajan (the most electrifying man in hockey) tries to split through four Rangers. You know you're in hard shape when Stajan is the most exciting player on the ice.

-Hockey Night in Canada...in Punjabi...?

-This would be a different game if we had a goalie like Lundqvist making the saves he's had. This would be the Rangers 7th win in a row. Unreal.

-Del Zotto's visor is so small. He looks like that guy from Star Trek. It's like 1/20 the size of Dany Heatley's.

-Leafs fans get on their case as the Rangers have been in their zone since the cold war.

-Is anyone seeing this animal slow clap commercial? EASILY the best thing I've seen all night.

-Del Zotto's parents don't seem to care much about this game. They look like Matt Stajan's parents.

-I can't do this anymore. I'm going to let the last two minutes speak for themselves. All the best.

L&L

From the Top to the Bottom

Since Brian Burke arrived in Toronto, nearly everything he has said has been speculated, torn apart, and gone into more than Elisha Cuthbert at an NHLPA meeting. Burke arrived in Toronto with a clear agenda regarding what he wanted his team to be. Burke preaches three things, primarily:

1) Player Accountability
2) Team Toughness
3) Top Six/Bottom Fix Format

He's said it time and time again: "I build my team top six and bottom six". The general idea is that the skilled players make up the top six (Anaheim: Selanne, Getzlaf, Perry) and six players who are hard-nosed, responsible players make up the bottom six (Moen, Pahlsson, Rob Niedermayer). Since Burke arrived, we've spent the summer looking over our forwards and classifying them as top six/bottom six. So let's go right ahead and categorize the players who have any shot whatsoever at making the team.

Top Six: Grabovski, Bozak, Kulemin, Stalberg, Tlusty, Stempniak, Blake

Bottom Six: Wallin, Hanson, Orr, Primeau, Mayers, Mitchell

Yes, that's only thirteen forwards. And between Bozak, Kulemin, Tlusty, Stalberg and Hanson, I'm guessing at least two of them are heading to the Marlies. Not to mention if I have to watch Lee Stempniak float around with Harry Potter's invisibility cloak another year I'm not going to be pleased. Not to mention my irrational hatred for Jamal Mayers. To hell with Jamal Mayers. I'd trade him for Bryan Berards left eye. I've placed three in the grey area.

Grey Area: Alexei Ponikarovski, Niklas Hagman, Matt Stajan

These are players that are; on a decent team, third liners. However, they have the ability to step up to the top two "skilled lines". Bozak, Kulemin, Blake, Hanson, and even John Mitchell could potentially be in this area but they're more clearly defined. But to take a look at those players, I'd consider them to be three of our top performers last year. So, do we limit their icetime because they play a harder style?

This brings me to my point. Burke builds his teams top six/bottom six. That doesn't mean that Ron Wilson makes his line combinations built on that. If you ask me our best five proven forwards and our six forwards most likely to be considered "top six material", it looks like this.

BEST: Blake, Poni, Hagman, Grabovski, Stajan

TOP6: Grabovski, Blake, Kulemin, Tlusty, Bozak

Of course, this is all opinion based... but the theory is there: the top six players are not always the best six players. And the "top six players" may not necessarily be logging the most ice time or even be playing on the same lines. While I feel roughly half of Burke's forwards nails and the other half hammers, it's up to Wilson if he wants to make a line with a hammer and two nails.

And if Colton Orr comes out every night and scores three goals, you better believe he's going to be playing on the first line.

-

L&L

The Leafs High School Report Card

With a Harvard graduate as general manager and the recent focus on US College Hockey Players, education is clearly important in the Toronto Maple Leafs organization. I recently obtained a document that revealed that the Leafs organization has been attending high school for the majority of the year. Here is the team report card from the 2008-2009 school year.


Mathematics: B+

Ron Wilson has taken an active interest in the course, especially attempting how to solve how Lee Stempniak has managed to score 44 points. The rest of the class are still attempting to figure out who Lee Stempniak is and why Alexander Steen now plays with the Blues. I do have Lee Stempniak on my attendance list but he is yet to show up to any classes.

The free agent signings have adapted fairly well to the class despite a late arrival, with the exception of Garnet Exelby who can’t seem to count or even read double digits. He reads the number fifty five as “five and five”, claims he weighs “two-one-four heavy big pounds”, and reads 3000 as “three- oooooh”. He’s also eaten two calculators and a stapler.

Physical Education: A

The team has performed exceptionally well in this area, with a brief exception during the soccer unit of the course which left Matt Stajan with an eye injury. Luckily this was dealt with quickly as the nurses office is overstaffed since the departure of Carlo Coliacovo.

We are fairly confident this was an accident at the hands of John Mitchell but some insist that this was Mikhail Grabovski’s attempt to move up the depth chart. We have no proof of this but we also suspect Grabovski was responsible for an attempted shooting on Stajan which was fortunately blocked by Vesa Toskala. Toskala was okay but slightly shaken, unfamiliar with the concept of stopping a shot.

Also on the subject of goaltending, Justin Pogge has dropped this course. Justin seemed quite disinterested and his work ethic was subpar, showing up to gym class in Bootlegger jeans and making Zoolander faces instead putting any effort into improvement.


Economics: C-

Jeff Finger is at risk of failing this course as he seems to think all goods and services are more valuable than they are. As we became concerned with his performance in the class, we asked Cliff Fletcher about the Finger's problem. Cliff became quite uncomfortable and mumbled something about Kurt Sauer.

Tomas Kaberle has been excused from this class as becomes visibly distressed any time the class enters a discussion about the value of goods.


Public Speaking: B-

This course has been difficult to evaluate as Brian Burke monopolizes discussion in class and insists on bringing a microphone to overpower the other students.

Alexei Ponikarovsky has made a turn from the better since Burke arrived, helping out some other players with their course load. However, he’s been acting a little strangely and insisting he was born on the border of Canada and the United States and showing up to class wearing an Uncle Sam costume.

Admittedly, having former teammate Mats Sundin to do a guest lecture on decisiveness was not a good option. Nor was Jason Blake’s four hour speech on “how awesome Jason Blake is”.


Physics: D

The entire class has been stuck on this problem for months: Pavel Kubina skates at a rate of .004 miles per hour. If we were to lay out a path of ice to Atlanta, how long would it take him to arrive? At what point in his journey would he be passed by A) A Snail B) Terry Fox C) John Ferguson’s thought process?


Home Economics: N/A

We were unable to begin this course this year as we are still recovering from Kyle Wellwood devouring our food supply.


Shop/Wood Working: N/A

We were unable to finish this course as a result of Garnet Exelby; upon arrival, devouring our wood supply.


Geography: B+

Brian Burke has also taken a strong interest in this course. He became so fascinated with the material he scheduled a trip to Sweden. However, this was during a crucial time in the school year and we’re suspicious he intimidated Dave Nonis; a more timid student, into doing his assignments for him.


Art: A-

Luke Schenn has been at the top of the class here, as he seems to create a masterpiece on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of the older students such as Jamal Mayers are content to sit back and watch Schenn work.

Jiri Tlusty and Mike Van Ryn seemed to strike up a friendship in this class and chose to sculp each other. Jiri’s sculpture of Van Ryn was very accurate but sadly broke into a million pieces as someone sneezed within five feet of it. Van Ryn’s statue was so good it has probably made more of an impact on the Leafs this year than Tlusty himself. It appears Van Ryn's inspiration was Michelangelo's David except with the modern twist of a cell phone camera in hand.

Finally, Colton Orr, despite only joining the class at the end of the term has made a delightful necklace out of what we assume are Todd Fedoruk’s teeth.


-LL