Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Leafs High School Report Card

With a Harvard graduate as general manager and the recent focus on US College Hockey Players, education is clearly important in the Toronto Maple Leafs organization. I recently obtained a document that revealed that the Leafs organization has been attending high school for the majority of the year. Here is the team report card from the 2008-2009 school year.

Mathematics: B+

Ron Wilson has taken an active interest in the course, especially attempting how to solve how Lee Stempniak has managed to score 44 points. The rest of the class are still attempting to figure out who Lee Stempniak is and why Alexander Steen now plays with the Blues. I do have Lee Stempniak on my attendance list but he is yet to show up to any classes.

The free agent signings have adapted fairly well to the class despite a late arrival, with the exception of Garnet Exelby who can’t seem to count or even read double digits. He reads the number fifty five as “five and five”, claims he weighs “two-one-four heavy big pounds”, and reads 3000 as “three- oooooh”. He’s also eaten two calculators and a stapler.

Physical Education: A

The team has performed exceptionally well in this area, with a brief exception during the soccer unit of the course which left Matt Stajan with an eye injury. Luckily this was dealt with quickly as the nurses office is overstaffed since the departure of Carlo Coliacovo.

We are fairly confident this was an accident at the hands of John Mitchell but some insist that this was Mikhail Grabovski’s attempt to move up the depth chart. We have no proof of this but we also suspect Grabovski was responsible for an attempted shooting on Stajan which was fortunately blocked by Vesa Toskala. Toskala was okay but slightly shaken, unfamiliar with the concept of stopping a shot.

Also on the subject of goaltending, Justin Pogge has dropped this course. Justin seemed quite disinterested and his work ethic was subpar, showing up to gym class in Bootlegger jeans and making Zoolander faces instead putting any effort into improvement.

Economics: C-

Jeff Finger is at risk of failing this course as he seems to think all goods and services are more valuable than they are. As we became concerned with his performance in the class, we asked Cliff Fletcher about the Finger's problem. Cliff became quite uncomfortable and mumbled something about Kurt Sauer.

Tomas Kaberle has been excused from this class as becomes visibly distressed any time the class enters a discussion about the value of goods.

Public Speaking: B-

This course has been difficult to evaluate as Brian Burke monopolizes discussion in class and insists on bringing a microphone to overpower the other students.

Alexei Ponikarovsky has made a turn from the better since Burke arrived, helping out some other players with their course load. However, he’s been acting a little strangely and insisting he was born on the border of Canada and the United States and showing up to class wearing an Uncle Sam costume.

Admittedly, having former teammate Mats Sundin to do a guest lecture on decisiveness was not a good option. Nor was Jason Blake’s four hour speech on “how awesome Jason Blake is”.

Physics: D

The entire class has been stuck on this problem for months: Pavel Kubina skates at a rate of .004 miles per hour. If we were to lay out a path of ice to Atlanta, how long would it take him to arrive? At what point in his journey would he be passed by A) A Snail B) Terry Fox C) John Ferguson’s thought process?

Home Economics: N/A

We were unable to begin this course this year as we are still recovering from Kyle Wellwood devouring our food supply.

Shop/Wood Working: N/A

We were unable to finish this course as a result of Garnet Exelby; upon arrival, devouring our wood supply.

Geography: B+

Brian Burke has also taken a strong interest in this course. He became so fascinated with the material he scheduled a trip to Sweden. However, this was during a crucial time in the school year and we’re suspicious he intimidated Dave Nonis; a more timid student, into doing his assignments for him.

Art: A-

Luke Schenn has been at the top of the class here, as he seems to create a masterpiece on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of the older students such as Jamal Mayers are content to sit back and watch Schenn work.

Jiri Tlusty and Mike Van Ryn seemed to strike up a friendship in this class and chose to sculp each other. Jiri’s sculpture of Van Ryn was very accurate but sadly broke into a million pieces as someone sneezed within five feet of it. Van Ryn’s statue was so good it has probably made more of an impact on the Leafs this year than Tlusty himself. It appears Van Ryn's inspiration was Michelangelo's David except with the modern twist of a cell phone camera in hand.

Finally, Colton Orr, despite only joining the class at the end of the term has made a delightful necklace out of what we assume are Todd Fedoruk’s teeth.



  1. Grant Exelby is hockey's version of the Termite.

  2. "Tomas Kaberle has been excused from this class as becomes visibly distressed any time the class enters a discussion about the value of goods."

    Funny stuff.