Your 2009 Leafs: Plus/Minus (part I)

Okay, so it's been a while. Apologies to the readers, and thanks for your patience. However, I've started a new job and until you guys start clicking advertisements to the point I don't need to actually work then this may occur. But here's hoping we don't have to wait this long again. Fingers crossed. I guess in my absense the crucial thing that's happened is the Phil Kessel trade/signing. In the meantime, everyone and their mother has had their input on the trade, so I'm going to keep this brief:

BOSTON RECEIVES:
2010 1st Rounder
2010 2nd Rounder
2011 1st Rounder

TORONTO RECEIVES:
Phil Kessel
One of Phil Kessel's testicles

If you don't like this trade, you can suck it. Seriously. We have a true goal scorer on our roster (which we haven't had since...err...)who's 21 years old. 21. He's going to be our go to guy for goals for years to come and when he's going to be in his prime Bozak, Kadri, Stalberg, and co. will be heating up at the same time and we're going to be a powerhouse. In the meantime, Kessel is not a prospect. He scored 36 goals in the regular season, scored 11 pts in 11 playoff games, and yeah, he's 21. He's not only our best option for the future but he's also our best player right now.

I heard people say that it's like we traded Luke Schenn and Nazem Kadri for Kessel. Well, here's the issue with this: we still have Luke Schenn and Nazem Kadri - and Phil Kessel. All we've lost are three generic pimple-faced seventeen year olds being drafted 10th - 20th in the next couple drafts (which if you haven't heard aren't exactly deep draft years) which could be a Kadri/Schenn calibre player but is FAR more likely to be an Alex Steen/Luca Cereda player. Stop fretting and enjoy the deal. Things are looking up.

Speaking of how things are looking, let's have a look at the ups and downs of what we've got for the rest of the year up front.

JASON BLAKE
+ Loves to score goals
+ Loves Jason Blake
- Can't seem to find old goal scoring ability
- No one else likes Jason Blake

TYLER BOZAK
+ Unbelievable hockey IQ and playmaking skills
+ Slowly becoming my favorite Leaf
- Cut off sweet hockey hair
- Two way contract and lack of experience makes him likely to start as a Marlie (though I doubt for long)

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI
+ Coming off a strong yet inconsistent offensive season
+ Will battle for #1 centre job with Matt Stajan
+ Equal passion for hockey and citrus fruit
- Spent more time on the ice during pre-season then the zamboni
+ Seemingly enjoyed this punishment (AKA: Not giving a fuckulence)

NIKLAS HAGMAN
+ Scored the greatest goal in the history of hockey
+ Can play in the top six and bottom six
- I can't claim a minus for Hagman as I fear PPP will refuse to plug my blog

PHIL KESSEL
+ 36 Goals
- 1 Testicle

NIKOLAI KULEMIN
+ Added 20 lbs to his frame in the off-season
+ Once drew comparisons to Evgeni Malkin
- Spent the pre-season pretending to be Lee Stempniak
- Is nowhere near as skilled as Malkin
+ Is nowhere near as ugly as Malkin

JASON ALLISON
- Isn't actually on the team: Allison has yet to complete his skate off the ice since being cut

JOHN MITCHELL
+ Is the best mediocre centre in the NHL
- Is the most lethal soccer player on the Toronto Maple Leafs

COLTON ORR
+ Kills people
- Projected to score 75 goals and may make Jason Blake jealous

ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY
+ A 6'3 Ukrainian covered in blood adds a lot to the Leafs new tough image
- Ponikarovsky adds nothing to the Leafs new tough image

WAYNE PRIMEAU
+ Adds grit and experience
+ Helps our lackluster PK
- Re-enforces Brian Burke's eternal hard-on for using the crappier brother in a checking role
- Spends his personal time sitting in a museum on display

JAY ROSEHILL
+ Unbelievable physical presence
+ Completely fearless
+ Much like Wade Belak, can play both forward and defence
- Much like Wade Belak, completely inept at both positions

VIKTOR STALBERG
+ Finished 2nd in pre-season scoring
+ Unbelieably fast
+ Defensively responsible
+ Uses big frame to his advantage
+ Plays a physical game
- ...

MATT STAJAN
+ Could turn some heads with surprising play as the teams #1 centre
- Is more likely to break my heart and get traded before December

LEE STEMPNIAK
+ Appears to have decided he wants to play hockey this year
- Still the guy that was nearly outscored by Carlo Crippleacovo last year

JIRI TLUSTY
+ Potential to be an unbelievable player
- Now wanders aimlessly around the ice as if he's debating a career switch to the porn industry

RICKARD WALLIN
+ Helped bring Jonas Gustavsson to the Leafs
+ Wilson praises his positional play
- Wallin is always so perfectly in position that he cannot be captured by the human eye

JAMAL MAYERS
+ Has a cool nickame (Jammer)
+ Looks like a black Mr. Clean
- Jamal Mayers sucks

Stay tuned for Part II in the next couple days...

L&L

The Leafs High School Report Card

With a Harvard graduate as general manager and the recent focus on US College Hockey Players, education is clearly important in the Toronto Maple Leafs organization. I recently obtained a document that revealed that the Leafs organization has been attending high school for the majority of the year. Here is the team report card from the 2008-2009 school year.


Mathematics: B+

Ron Wilson has taken an active interest in the course, especially attempting how to solve how Lee Stempniak has managed to score 44 points. The rest of the class are still attempting to figure out who Lee Stempniak is and why Alexander Steen now plays with the Blues. I do have Lee Stempniak on my attendance list but he is yet to show up to any classes.

The free agent signings have adapted fairly well to the class despite a late arrival, with the exception of Garnet Exelby who can’t seem to count or even read double digits. He reads the number fifty five as “five and five”, claims he weighs “two-one-four heavy big pounds”, and reads 3000 as “three- oooooh”. He’s also eaten two calculators and a stapler.

Physical Education: A

The team has performed exceptionally well in this area, with a brief exception during the soccer unit of the course which left Matt Stajan with an eye injury. Luckily this was dealt with quickly as the nurses office is overstaffed since the departure of Carlo Coliacovo.

We are fairly confident this was an accident at the hands of John Mitchell but some insist that this was Mikhail Grabovski’s attempt to move up the depth chart. We have no proof of this but we also suspect Grabovski was responsible for an attempted shooting on Stajan which was fortunately blocked by Vesa Toskala. Toskala was okay but slightly shaken, unfamiliar with the concept of stopping a shot.

Also on the subject of goaltending, Justin Pogge has dropped this course. Justin seemed quite disinterested and his work ethic was subpar, showing up to gym class in Bootlegger jeans and making Zoolander faces instead putting any effort into improvement.


Economics: C-

Jeff Finger is at risk of failing this course as he seems to think all goods and services are more valuable than they are. As we became concerned with his performance in the class, we asked Cliff Fletcher about the Finger's problem. Cliff became quite uncomfortable and mumbled something about Kurt Sauer.

Tomas Kaberle has been excused from this class as becomes visibly distressed any time the class enters a discussion about the value of goods.


Public Speaking: B-

This course has been difficult to evaluate as Brian Burke monopolizes discussion in class and insists on bringing a microphone to overpower the other students.

Alexei Ponikarovsky has made a turn from the better since Burke arrived, helping out some other players with their course load. However, he’s been acting a little strangely and insisting he was born on the border of Canada and the United States and showing up to class wearing an Uncle Sam costume.

Admittedly, having former teammate Mats Sundin to do a guest lecture on decisiveness was not a good option. Nor was Jason Blake’s four hour speech on “how awesome Jason Blake is”.


Physics: D

The entire class has been stuck on this problem for months: Pavel Kubina skates at a rate of .004 miles per hour. If we were to lay out a path of ice to Atlanta, how long would it take him to arrive? At what point in his journey would he be passed by A) A Snail B) Terry Fox C) John Ferguson’s thought process?


Home Economics: N/A

We were unable to begin this course this year as we are still recovering from Kyle Wellwood devouring our food supply.


Shop/Wood Working: N/A

We were unable to finish this course as a result of Garnet Exelby; upon arrival, devouring our wood supply.


Geography: B+

Brian Burke has also taken a strong interest in this course. He became so fascinated with the material he scheduled a trip to Sweden. However, this was during a crucial time in the school year and we’re suspicious he intimidated Dave Nonis; a more timid student, into doing his assignments for him.


Art: A-

Luke Schenn has been at the top of the class here, as he seems to create a masterpiece on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of the older students such as Jamal Mayers are content to sit back and watch Schenn work.

Jiri Tlusty and Mike Van Ryn seemed to strike up a friendship in this class and chose to sculp each other. Jiri’s sculpture of Van Ryn was very accurate but sadly broke into a million pieces as someone sneezed within five feet of it. Van Ryn’s statue was so good it has probably made more of an impact on the Leafs this year than Tlusty himself. It appears Van Ryn's inspiration was Michelangelo's David except with the modern twist of a cell phone camera in hand.

Finally, Colton Orr, despite only joining the class at the end of the term has made a delightful necklace out of what we assume are Todd Fedoruk’s teeth.


-LL