Monday, September 28, 2009

Your 2009 Leafs: Plus/Minus (part I)

Okay, so it's been a while. Apologies to the readers, and thanks for your patience. However, I've started a new job and until you guys start clicking advertisements to the point I don't need to actually work then this may occur. But here's hoping we don't have to wait this long again. Fingers crossed. I guess in my absense the crucial thing that's happened is the Phil Kessel trade/signing. In the meantime, everyone and their mother has had their input on the trade, so I'm going to keep this brief:

2010 1st Rounder
2010 2nd Rounder
2011 1st Rounder

Phil Kessel
One of Phil Kessel's testicles

If you don't like this trade, you can suck it. Seriously. We have a true goal scorer on our roster (which we haven't had since...err...)who's 21 years old. 21. He's going to be our go to guy for goals for years to come and when he's going to be in his prime Bozak, Kadri, Stalberg, and co. will be heating up at the same time and we're going to be a powerhouse. In the meantime, Kessel is not a prospect. He scored 36 goals in the regular season, scored 11 pts in 11 playoff games, and yeah, he's 21. He's not only our best option for the future but he's also our best player right now.

I heard people say that it's like we traded Luke Schenn and Nazem Kadri for Kessel. Well, here's the issue with this: we still have Luke Schenn and Nazem Kadri - and Phil Kessel. All we've lost are three generic pimple-faced seventeen year olds being drafted 10th - 20th in the next couple drafts (which if you haven't heard aren't exactly deep draft years) which could be a Kadri/Schenn calibre player but is FAR more likely to be an Alex Steen/Luca Cereda player. Stop fretting and enjoy the deal. Things are looking up.

Speaking of how things are looking, let's have a look at the ups and downs of what we've got for the rest of the year up front.

+ Loves to score goals
+ Loves Jason Blake
- Can't seem to find old goal scoring ability
- No one else likes Jason Blake

+ Unbelievable hockey IQ and playmaking skills
+ Slowly becoming my favorite Leaf
- Cut off sweet hockey hair
- Two way contract and lack of experience makes him likely to start as a Marlie (though I doubt for long)

+ Coming off a strong yet inconsistent offensive season
+ Will battle for #1 centre job with Matt Stajan
+ Equal passion for hockey and citrus fruit
- Spent more time on the ice during pre-season then the zamboni
+ Seemingly enjoyed this punishment (AKA: Not giving a fuckulence)

+ Scored the greatest goal in the history of hockey
+ Can play in the top six and bottom six
- I can't claim a minus for Hagman as I fear PPP will refuse to plug my blog

+ 36 Goals
- 1 Testicle

+ Added 20 lbs to his frame in the off-season
+ Once drew comparisons to Evgeni Malkin
- Spent the pre-season pretending to be Lee Stempniak
- Is nowhere near as skilled as Malkin
+ Is nowhere near as ugly as Malkin

- Isn't actually on the team: Allison has yet to complete his skate off the ice since being cut

+ Is the best mediocre centre in the NHL
- Is the most lethal soccer player on the Toronto Maple Leafs

+ Kills people
- Projected to score 75 goals and may make Jason Blake jealous

+ A 6'3 Ukrainian covered in blood adds a lot to the Leafs new tough image
- Ponikarovsky adds nothing to the Leafs new tough image

+ Adds grit and experience
+ Helps our lackluster PK
- Re-enforces Brian Burke's eternal hard-on for using the crappier brother in a checking role
- Spends his personal time sitting in a museum on display

+ Unbelievable physical presence
+ Completely fearless
+ Much like Wade Belak, can play both forward and defence
- Much like Wade Belak, completely inept at both positions

+ Finished 2nd in pre-season scoring
+ Unbelieably fast
+ Defensively responsible
+ Uses big frame to his advantage
+ Plays a physical game
- ...

+ Could turn some heads with surprising play as the teams #1 centre
- Is more likely to break my heart and get traded before December

+ Appears to have decided he wants to play hockey this year
- Still the guy that was nearly outscored by Carlo Crippleacovo last year

+ Potential to be an unbelievable player
- Now wanders aimlessly around the ice as if he's debating a career switch to the porn industry

+ Helped bring Jonas Gustavsson to the Leafs
+ Wilson praises his positional play
- Wallin is always so perfectly in position that he cannot be captured by the human eye

+ Has a cool nickame (Jammer)
+ Looks like a black Mr. Clean
- Jamal Mayers sucks

Stay tuned for Part II in the next couple days...


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