30 Realistic Goals for the Remainder of the Season

VICTORY!

The Leafs finally pick up their first win. Gustavsson makes key saves, Nik Hagman leads the offense, Kaberle has the best game of his career, and the Leafs are playing the truculent style that Burke has put them together to play. Great to get a win, but it's going to make it way harder to lose if we go down in Dallas tonight. Not to mention I hate Dallas. So... lets not. Hopefully Gustavsson shuts down the team tonight he shut down in the off-season to play with the Leafs. Moving on.

Before the season started, I took some time to review our teams forwards and defence. As opposed to writing about what's happened all month, I'm going to change directions a bit and talk about what we should be accomplishing for the remainder of the year. Getting our first win was the first mountain to clim, so here's a list of the top remaining 30 goals that should be posted in the Leafs dressing room. I'll tick them off as they're accomplished throughout the year.

1. Beat the Montreal Canadiens. I'm sick of Habs fans. We should have won the first game, we played pretty well and a good portion of my buddies are Montreal fans: I've taken a bit of a beating lately so nothing would be better than the Leafs picking up a win when I'm piss drunk in my Wendel Clark hallowe'en costume.

2. Call up Tyler Bozak. The kid is awesome, he provides creativity like Grabovski, playmaking like Stajan, hockey smarts like Wallin, and chippy play like John Mitchell. So why is he not a centre for the big club?

3. Resolve the Toskala affair. Phantom knee injuries aside, I don't think I've felt more sympathy for a human being than I do for Vesa Toskala. Not only did playing in Toronto ruin his confidence and career, I'm pretty sure it ruined his life. He's like the kid getting bullied at the bus stop. Cut the cord, trade him somewhere. Maybe him and a prospect for Giguere. I know that seems crazy but Anaheim is on the hook for a 6 million dollar backup for two more years while Toskala could backup in a less stressful environment, save Anaheim cap room, and come off the books at the end of the year. Giguere would waive his no-trade to play for Burke again and would be a great mentor for Gustavsson.

4. Establish Mike Komisarek as a leader. Komisarek has calmed down lately with steadier play and less trips to the box. He's hitting, standing up for his teammates, and blocking shots. No BS, just like he gets payed for. And if anyone is questioning his value, look at Tomas Kaberle's play since Komisarek arrived. The next step for him to take is to firmly establish himself as a leader for the Leafs. With Luke Schenn showing this year that he actually is a mortal human being, Komo is really looking like the next Leafs captain. At least for a while.

5. Luke Schenn finds his game. Schenn really has not looked good and I'd imagine his confidence is getting shakier and shakier. A Marlies trip might be in order but we need Luke to remember that he's good enough to be considered the face of our franchise.

6. Luke Schenn finds his little brother Brayden and gently reminds him that he is to sign for the Leafs immediately after his deal with the Kings is done.

7. Move Mikhail Grabovski to the wing. Grabo's faceoff timing is about as good as breaking up with a girlfriend on her birthday after she gets her leg devoured by a wild antelope. Or...something of that nature. Let him zip around on the wing.

8. Colton Orr deciding that pushing a linesman is not enough and he needs to hunt down referee Kerry Fraser and feed him some Belak's.

9. Get out of last place. Just do it.

10. Viktor Stalberg finds the net. We know he can score, we saw it in the preseason. He's played well and he's been a creative spark but I'd like to see his point production increase. How about 20 goals, Vikky?

11. Record a shutout. I'm looking at you, Jonas.

12. Beat the Sens. Light up Leclaire, nail Alfreddson, fight Neil, make fun of Jason Spezza's goofy laugh. Laugh at Bob Murray saying Jashon Spezzcha. Laugh at the fact that every time I try to type his name I type Bill Murray.

13. Bring in Phil Kessel and put him on a line with Stajan and Hagman. Let him light the lamp for the blue and white and start working on Marc Savard because Savard misses having an elite scorer to pass to. Yeah, I said it.

14. Get out of the bottom five. I can stomach not making the playoffs (ech...kind of) and I'm glad we traded away our first round pick but I can't handle seeing the B's getting Hall, Seguin, Fowler, or Kabonov.

15. Get Matt "The Most Electrifying Man in Sports" Stajan in a fight. I thought he was going for it against the Ducks, I almost shit my clothes. I'm still not convinced he has human emotions.

16. Leaf & Lion learns how to spell Alexei Ponikarovsky. Is that even right?

17. Garnet Exelby learns how to spell "Ian White". And "house".

18. Bring in Christian Hanson. He's exactly the type of big forward we need to play physical on the boards and more importantly, be a big presence in front of the net.

19. Ian White continues his moustache maintenance to the point that it's dense enough to block shots without pain and acts as a third shin pad.

20. Put a letter on Ian White's jersey. I always thought it was a mistake to outright name three A's instead of rotating them. Whitey's been our most consistent player for two years and everyone in the universe loves him (except Ilya Kovalchuk...who will hopefully love him next year). I wouldn't mind Ian White to be captain of the leafs. I'm serious.

21. Trade for a top six forward. Get rid of some of our excess clutter and piece together a package for someone like Nathan Horton as we need legitimate offence.

22. Mike Komisarek scores a goal. Or Exelby. I'm not fussy.

23. Go on a seven game winning streak. Let's balance the books, boys.

24. Give Jiri Tlusty a shot to make the step from amateur to professional and pose for playgirl magazine.

25. Beat the Canucks... who I never noticed before this year, might actually be more irritating than Sens fans and are quickly approaching Montreal level.

26. Reach .500. AND BEYOND!

27. Re-evaluate Jason Blake's role on the team. Yeah, I know what we're paying him. But let's face it: Jason Blake is a hard worker and decent secondary scoring but with his hussle and the fact that no one likes Jason Blake he'd be best served as a third line superpest.

28. Grabovski's hair grows to Jaromir Jagr level. Oh yes.

29. Nik Hagman scores 30 goals. Besides the fact that he just put in three against the Ducks and he scored the greatest goal in the history of hockey, here's a little known fact about Nik Hagman: He's got more points every year he's played since the lockout.

2004 Florida Panthers 30 2G 4A 6P
2005 Dallas Stars 51GP 5G 8A 13P

2006 Dallas Stars 82 GP 17G 12A 29P

2007 Dallas Stars 82 GP 27G 14P 41P

2008 Toronto Maple Leafs 65 GP 22G 20A 42P (on pace for an 82 game 28 goal year)

30. Return to the playoffs. As of October 28th 2009, 1-7-1, I still believe.

L&L