Big Brother: Toronto Maple Leafs

Brian Burke has finally had it. After a dismal beginning to the 2009-2010 season, the team was not working together, not gelling, and not uniting. After countless bonding exercises, road trips, and meetings, he turned to the only reasonable solution. Take twelve key team members and force them to participate against each other in a reality tv knock off:

BIG BROTHER: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS EDITION

Each contestant will not be allowed in the outside world aside from games and practices. They will enter the MLSE house with only the company of each other, competing in a vicious survival game. Each episode, a member of the team will be voted out of the house. The final remaining member of the household will be given a 10 million dollar bonus, lifetime season tickets, and the chance to slap Richard Peddie in the face.

The rules are simple:

-Each week, a challenge will take place between all players. The winner of the challenge will be granted the right to nominate two other players for eviction. Leaf Nation will vote on which team member they wish to remove from the game.

And now, the contestants...

JASON BLAKE

Motto: The easiest way to a goalie's net is through his chest protector

Hero: Jason Blake

Food: Chicken with a side of the blood of innocent children

Favorite Movie: Rocky V

Favorite Music: Eminem

Favorite Color: Black

Luxury Item: Autographed 8x10 of Jason Blake

GARNET EXELBY
Motto: Destroy
Hero: Rambo
Food: Elbow Pads
Favorite Movie: Rambo
Favorite Color: Bruise
Luxury Item: Teddy Bear

MIKAEL GRABOVSKI
Motto: With a great mullett comes great responsibility
Hero: Joe Dirt

Food: Beet Soup
Favorite Movie: Teen Wolf
Favorite Music: Belarussian Ska
Luxury Item: Pineapple

JONAS GUSTAVSSON

Motto: Just win, baby.
Hero: Terry Sawchuk
Food: Swedish Meatballs
Favorite Music: Symphony Orchestra
Favorite Color: Blue and Yellow
Luxury Item: Vesa Toskala Voodoo Doll

TOMAS KABERLE
Motto: Whatever you do...don't shoot.
Hero: Mats Sundin
Favorite Music: Classical

Favorite Color: Blue
Luxury Item: Scrapbook of memories with Sundin, Tucker, Kubina, and McCabe

PHIL KESSEL
Motto: Whatever you do...don't pass.
Favorite Movie: Highlight reel from Boston from when he had teammates
Favorite Music: Top 40
Favorite Color: Yellow
Luxury Item: Testicle in Jar

MIKE KOMISAREK

Motto: Big hit. Block shot. Two minutes minor. Repeat.

Hero: Brian Burke

Favorite Movie: Any Given Sunday

Favorite Music: Country
Luxury Item: Restraining Order against Milan Lucic

COLTON ORR
Motto: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the fact that I'm going to beat that dog so bad he's going to look like he got back from a sleepover at Michael Vicks.
Hero: Mike Tyson
Food: Knuckle Sandwiches
Favorite Movie: Fighting
Favorite Music: Death Metal
Luxury Item: Punching Bag (aka Matt Carkner)

LUKE SCHENN

Motto: Save the Leafs
Hero: Wendel Clarke
Favorite Movie: The Lion King

Favorite Music: Jonas Brothers
Favorite Color: Blue and White
Luxury Item: Schenn Jersey with a "C" on the front.

MATT STAJAN

Motto: Calmness is the cradle of power

Hero: Gandhi

Food: Plain White Rice

Favorite Movie: None
Favorite Music: Ambient Noise
Favorite Color: Grey

VESA TOSKALA

Motto: Just hang in there, it'll all be over soon.
Hero: Jonas Gustavsson
Food: Marshmellows
Favorite Movie: Anything with Keanu Reeves
Favorite Color: Pale
Luxury Item: Autographed 8x10 of Jonas Gustavsson's girlfriend

IAN WHITE

Motto: When life gives you lemons, grow a moustache, play out of position, and become team MVP.

Hero: Tom Sellick
Favorite Movie: Anchorman
Favorite Color: Blue

Luxury Item: Facial Hair Grooming Kit

*****

Stay tuned for episode two, featuring the first challenge and nomination.

The Curse of Thirteen

I'm not one for conspiracy theories. I'm pretty sure September 11th was ordered by terrorists, not the US government. I don't think 2Pac is going to show up alive next Tuesday and collaborate with Elvis. I don't believe in the Illuminati, Santa Claus, or Jason Blake's soul. But I have to admit: there's something oddly fascinating about them. I don't take much stock in any of them but I like to read about them and some members of the hockey community have been piecing one together about our Leafs. Allow me to summarize.

Mats Sundin is considered by many to be the greatest Maple Leaf of all time (false - Alyn McCauley is). He's our all time leader in points and the last face of our franchise. Say what you want about the Canucks ordeal, but he was Captain Clutch and gave us a lot of memories. However, what number did he choose to wear? Not the famous goalscorers #9. Not the typical centre number #19. He chose the enigmatic #13.

Here's where it starts. Yes, our all team leading goalscorer (who should have rightfully lifted a Cup as a Leaf) wore #13. He did not return to the Leafs to centre Phil Kessel, instead he retired with 987 points as a Maple Leaf. 13 shy of 1000.

He did not get to lift that Cup, and he and the Leafs have been waiting since '67. 6+7=13

Yes, we won our last cup in 67. Since then, we have been stuck at 13 Stanley Cups.

Ian White, despite shaving 13 times a day, continues to look like a small hampster died on his upper lip.

The draft has also been plagued with bad luck. Jiri Tlusty, touted as a true sniper, has yet to come anywhere near his potential and can't seem to make it happen in the big leagues. Leafs management considered themselves lucky that he had slipped that far in the draft and have a chance to select him: 13th overall.

It doesn't stop there. The Leafs swapped their 1st rounder for plagued goaltender Vesa Toskala. That pick, 13th overall, could have landed the Leafs Max Pacioretty, Angelo Esposito, or Oscar Moller.

So, is this why we've had every bad bounce, the Kerry Fraser incident, phantom penalties, and late season exits? Probably not. But who knows.

L&L

Petition to Get Mike Palmateer a Cell Phone

Okay, I'll make this quick, but I am BAFFLED.

This is a Toronto Star article by Damien Cox about the scouting of Jonas Gustavsson. It features quotes from Brian Burke, Ron Wilson, and primarily, Leafs scout Mike Palmateer. It's actually a good article and it shows the journey that it took to get the Monster to sign with the Leafs. As we've seen, he truly looks like a #1 goalie as Vesa Toskala hangs out on the bench talking to Mikael Grabovski about hair products. There's one part that's especially troubling to me.

"I'm actually walking pretty good these days, but I have to be careful," he said Wednesday from his car phone. "I'm pretty sure that if I even looked at a pair of skates, something would tear."

His CAR PHONE!? The man works as a professional hockey scout and can't invest in a cell phone? His primary job is to make calls and speak to others and arrange travel and he's still using an effing car phone?! What century does he live in? Is his car phone attatched to a horse and carriage? Is Brian Burke doing his radio interviews with a tin can on a string?

MLSE was announced again as the richest hockey franchise. Well now you know why! They're ripping off the rest of their employees! Does anyone have any benefits over there? No wonder Mike Van Ryn is always injured, the poor guy doesn't get any health care! Does Ron Wilson make his pregame notes on a typewriter? Did Jason Blake get his people skills at a yard sale? Does Tomas Kaberle groom his eyebrows with Tom Sellick's old moustache groomer?

Forget the salary cap, boys, we've got far bigger issues here.

MAKE SOME NOISE. START A RIOT. GET MIKE PALMATEER A CELL PHONE.

L&L

Petition:
http://www.petitiononline.com/leaflion/petition.html

How Far Are We Away from a Cup?

Let's be upfront about it: despite a few strong games in a row, chances are we won't take the cup this year - though I'm still predicting playoffs for the Buds, I just don't see them going all the way. We simply just don't have the pieces to take it all the way. But how far away are we? In some obvious areas (top six) we're pretty hurting. But let's look at this more specifically. What do we have playing right now that could feasibly be a legitimate piece on a Stanley Cup team?

LEFT WING - CENTRE - Kessel
Ponikarovsky - CENTRE - RIGHT WING
Hagman - CENTRE - Stempniak
LEFT WING - Mitchell - Orr

Kaberle - Komisarek
White - Beauchemin
Schenn - Finger/Exelby

Gustavsson
BACK-UP

So it's pretty clear - we've only got 1.5 that could be a top sixer on a Cup team...Poni really is pushing it. In all honesty, I think you could interchange Hagman, Stempniak, Poni, and even Blake for those three spots but beyond that I don't really buy into it. Mitchell could also be switched out for Wallin without much of an effect. So up front that means we're going to need to add two strong centres, two quality wingers, a grinding centre and a hard hitting/working winger for the fourth line. That might be Nik Kulemin but I'm not buying it. Sorry.

On the back: yeah. I think we're set. That was clearly Burke's intention for the summer and once Schenn/Beauchemin settle into their games we'll be just fine. I truly believe that. And maybe Macdonald really could settle into the backup role full time but while Gustavsson has played well it's a pretty small sample size to see if a goalie can take you to the show: in the meantime though, it sure has looked that way.

Let's not forget the prospects, though. We've got some very promising players in Kadri, Bozak, Stalberg, Hanson, and Tlusty all sitting in the minors right now and performing as they should. So let's have another look (assuming these players move into the players we hope they will become.

Tlusty - Kadri- Kessel
Stalberg - Bozak - Hanson
Poni - Tlusty - Stempniak
Hagman/Kulemin - Mitchell - Orr

Kaberle - Komisarek
White - Beauchemin
Schenn - Finger/Exelby

Gustavsson
Macdonald

But realistically: all these players are not going to be ready by next year. Kadri will probably be heading for one more year of junior (giving Burke's history) and I'm really not sold on Jiri Tlusty quite yet. I hope he can be the top notch goal scorer we hoped he would be but if he does then power to him. I do, however, think the Frat Line will make the push up next year. However: I think they'd be best suited, for now, as a third line grind line providing some secondary scoring.

CAUTION: We are now entering the land of pipe dreams. If our cards are played correctly during free agency, he's our 2011 Stanley Cup winning team (and shocker: it fits under the cap).

Kovalchuk (8) – Savard (6)– Kessel (5.4)
Tlusty (3) – Kadri (875k) – Guerin (1.3)
Stalberg (850K) – Bozak(3.75) - Hanson(1)
Orr (1)– Mitchell(1.2) – Hagman(3)

Kaberle(4.25) – Komisarek(4.5)
Schenn(2.975) – Beau(3.8)
White(2) – Gunnarsson/Mikus(875K)

Gustavsson(3.5)
Macdonald (700K)

Is this realistic? Nooooope. Kovalchuk will probably either stay in Atlanta or be KHL bound: plus he'll get closer to 9-10 million. Savard actually doesn't look that unlikely at this point. Getting a vet like Billy Guerin for a year wouldn't hurt in the least especially since he can still score a couple goals. Kadri is magically ready to play, Blake is mysteriously dissapeared, and XLB/Finger have been let go for cheaper options.

Again: this is nothing else but something fun to look at, and I don't see us getting Kovalchuk. I wish. But just take a look at these scenarios and how the team has started to play:

We're not as far off as you might think.

L&L

PS: You can now reach the site from leafandlion.com

leafandlion.com

Yep, you heard me right. We've made the jump to dot com, and you can access from there. If you want to get to know what we're all about and you're a new reader, here's five articles that you should check out to see what L&L is all about.

Maple Leafian Rhapsody - A Queen Parody about your boys in blue.

Maple Leafs High School Report Card - If MLSE were a high school, it'd be something like this...

Faceoffs and Team Building - A look at the centres in the Leafs organization from an insider scoop.

2009 Plus/Minus - A two parter about the Leafs good, bad, and ugly.

And finally,

Nik Hagman Scores the Greatest Goal in the History of Hockey - See title.

Enjoy.

L&L


PS: Phil Kessel!

The Big Picture

Alright, with the first month of the season L&L brings to you a monthly segment called the big picture, where we take a look at the statistics of the past month and stretch them out to see where this is going to land us at the end of the year.

THE TEAM

TML OCTOBER: 12GP - 1W - 6L - 4OTL - 6PTS
TML FINAL: 82 GP - 7W - 41L - 27OTL - 41PTS

Which leaves us dead last in the NHL and serving the Bruins Taylor Hall on a platter. Sigh.

EASTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS

1. PIT (129)
2. BUF (127)
3. WAS (117)
4. NJD (109)
5. NYR (103)
6. PHI (97)
7. OTT (96)
8. MTL (82)

So not only do we finish last in the East but our rivals in Ottawa and Montreal sneak into the playoffs. Fantastic. Notably, we have the Boston Bruins narrowly missing out. Aside from that, I wouldn't be too surprised to see this be fairly accurate.

WESTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS

1. COL (120)
2. SJ (115)
3. CHI (107)
4. PHO (113)
5. LA (111)
6. CGY (103)
7. DAL (99)
8. VAN (87)

The West has a lot more surprises with the strong starts from Colorado, Phoenix, and LA. We've also got Detroit, Anaheim and Columbus left out in the cold with Edmonton joining Toronto as the only Canadian teams not aiming for the post season.


OUR BOYS

KABERLE 14G 103A 116P
GRABO 21G 48A 68P
HAGMAN 44G 22A 66P
STAJAN 22G 29A 52P
BLAKE 7G 41A 48P
STEMPY 27G 21A 48P
PONI 34G 7A 41P
WHITE 14G 27A 41P
MITCHY 0G 34A 34P
BEAUCH 14G 7A 21P

So Kaberle is going to rack up over 100 assists at this rate. Fantastic. Also pleased with Grabo's 70 point year and Hagger's 44 goals. Besides that, everything is not looking pretty right now. Let's take a look at the league leaders.


LEADING SCORERS

PLAYER G A P
OVECHKIN 82 53 135
MARLEAU 60 55 115
KOPITAR 64 64 123
NASH 69 69 126
GABORIK 50 50 120

Okay, so Ovechkin's getting 82 goals. Big deal. Kaberle's getting 103 assists.