Thursday, November 19, 2009

Big Brother: Toronto Maple Leafs


Brian Burke has finally had it. After a dismal beginning to the 2009-2010 season, the team was not working together, not gelling, and not uniting. After countless bonding exercises, road trips, and meetings, he turned to the only reasonable solution. Take twelve key team members and force them to participate against each other in a reality tv knock off:


BIG BROTHER: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS EDITION


Each contestant will not be allowed in the outside world aside from games and practices. They will enter the MLSE house with only the company of each other, competing in a vicious survival game. Each episode, a member of the team will be voted out of the house. The final remaining member of the household will be given a 10 million dollar bonus, lifetime season tickets, and the chance to slap Richard Peddie in the face.


The rules are simple:

-Each week, a challenge will take place between all players. The winner of the challenge will be granted the right to nominate two other players for eviction. Leaf Nation will vote on which team member they wish to remove from the game.


And now, the contestants...


JASON BLAKE
Motto: The easiest way to a goalie's net is through his chest protector
Hero: Jason Blake
Food: Chicken with a side of the blood of innocent children
Favorite Movie: Rocky V
Favorite Music: Eminem
Favorite Color: Black
Luxury Item: Autographed 8x10 of Jason Blake


GARNET EXELBY
Motto: Destroy
Hero: Rambo
Food: Elbow Pads
Favorite Movie: Rambo
Favorite Color: Bruise
Luxury Item: Teddy Bear


MIKAEL GRABOVSKI
Motto: With a great mullett comes great responsibility
Hero: Joe Dirt
Food: Beet Soup
Favorite Movie: Teen Wolf
Favorite Music: Belarussian Ska
Luxury Item: Pineapple


JONAS GUSTAVSSON

Motto: Just win, baby.
Hero: Terry Sawchuk
Food: Swedish Meatballs
Favorite Music: Symphony Orchestra
Favorite Color: Blue and Yellow
Luxury Item: Vesa Toskala Voodoo Doll


TOMAS KABERLE
Motto: Whatever you do...don't shoot.
Hero: Mats Sundin
Favorite Music: Classical
Favorite Color: Blue
Luxury Item: Scrapbook of memories with Sundin, Tucker, Kubina, and McCabe


PHIL KESSEL
Motto: Whatever you do...don't pass.
Favorite Movie: Highlight reel from Boston from when he had teammates
Favorite Music: Top 40
Favorite Color: Yellow
Luxury Item: Testicle in Jar


MIKE KOMISAREK
Motto: Big hit. Block shot. Two minutes minor. Repeat.
Hero: Brian Burke
Favorite Movie: Any Given Sunday
Favorite Music: Country
Luxury Item: Restraining Order against Milan Lucic


COLTON ORR
Motto: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the fact that I'm going to beat that dog so bad he's going to look like he got back from a sleepover at Michael Vicks.
Hero: Mike Tyson
Food: Knuckle Sandwiches
Favorite Movie: Fighting
Favorite Music: Death Metal
Luxury Item: Punching Bag (aka Matt Carkner)


LUKE SCHENN
Motto: Save the Leafs
Hero: Wendel Clarke
Favorite Movie: The Lion King
Favorite Music: Jonas Brothers
Favorite Color: Blue and White
Luxury Item: Schenn Jersey with a "C" on the front.


MATT STAJAN
Motto: Calmness is the cradle of power
Hero: Gandhi
Food: Plain White Rice
Favorite Movie: None
Favorite Music: Ambient Noise
Favorite Color: Grey

VESA TOSKALA
Motto: Just hang in there, it'll all be over soon.
Hero: Jonas Gustavsson
Food: Marshmellows
Favorite Movie: Anything with Keanu Reeves
Favorite Color: Pale
Luxury Item: Autographed 8x10 of Jonas Gustavsson's girlfriend


IAN WHITE
Motto: When life gives you lemons, grow a moustache, play out of position, and become team MVP.
Hero: Tom Sellick
Favorite Movie: Anchorman
Favorite Color: Blue
Luxury Item: Facial Hair Grooming Kit



*****


Stay tuned for episode two, featuring the first challenge and nomination.

2 comments:

  1. Yeah, I'd watch this. And LOVE every second

    ReplyDelete
  2. One of your best so far.
    Little quibble-
    It's "cancer-ridden testicle in a jar".
    Big quibble- your spelling of "Clark".
    The Stajan list is the best.

    ReplyDelete