The Greatest Goal In the History Of Hockey

If there's one thing that ticks me off a little bit (okay, there's more than one), it's the amount of times I've had to watch that Ovechkin goal. I'm not going to link to it, but you know the one I'm talking about.

Ovechkin cuts down the ice, blazing with speed, giggling at his teammates as they call for a pass. He moves in, dives onto his knees to ensure that this will be a highlight goal, and is clipped by a Coyotes defenseman. He spills onto his back and as a last ditch effort, throws the puck aimlessly towards the net. The shot gets by Vezina trophy candidate Phillipe Sauvé as he slides out of position, wondering if Gretzky will ever come out of retirement to centre their first line.

Sure, it was a fun goal, and kudos to Ovechkin for his "never say die" attitude towards hockey (and his "never look in the mirror" style of personal grooming), but I've heard people proclaim this as the best goal in the history of hockey. It's just not. One; It's a lucky goal, two; scoring a goal against the Phoenix Coyotes is the equivalent of a hole in one playing mini-golf, and most importantly, that honor belongs to our very own Nik Hagman...

This goal is fantastic. Watch it. If you've seen it before, watch it again. Eight or nine times. Is this the greatest goal in the history of hockey? Maybe. Here's why I think it just might be.

1. Matt Stajan: Okay, this is a prologue to the goal, but Matt Stajan is fantastic. He's not great, he's not flashy, and he gives the dullest interviews: if the Leafs were a 100 Flavour Ice Cream Parlour, Stajan would be "Vanilla". (Kyle Wellwood is "Cookie Dough". Colton Orr would be "Blood 'n' Guts". Jamal Mayers is chocol...nah. Let's not say that). But with Stajan, you know what you're getting. Get on the ice, do your job, and change it up. I hope we can fit him into the line-up because I'd love to see him win a cup with the Leafs one day.

2. Four seconds into the clip, Hagman gets drilled by the linesman like he's cutting across Scott Stevens' blueline. As he attempts to get up, he takes a knee to the head. Directly afterwards, a shot from the blueline takes a deflection, hitting him in the face (I'm laughing as I write this) and he angrily swats it away.

Let's recap. A man with a history of concussions takes a bodycheck, a knee to the head, and a puck to the forehead in 2.8 seconds. I timed it.

3. Hagman gets up and clearly has no idea where he is. He begins to skate towards the bench as the announcer claims "Hagman's hurt". Hagman apparently hears this and takes it as a personal slight because he does a 180 and heads back into the corner.

4. At the :30 mark, the announcer says "Stempniak looks for Hagman". This is ironic as the Leafs spent the rest of the year looking for Stempniak.

5. At :35 he says "Stajan tries a wrap-around, nope". Stajan obviously decided against using such an exciting maneuver. Maybe someone in his family has a heart condition and he doesn't want to be overstimulating.

6. Hagman regains the puck three seconds later, dangles aimlessly with his helmet over his eyes, beats three guys and calmly undresses the goalie before sliding it into the net.

7. The best part about this goal, maybe, is the celebration - or lack thereof. Hagman scores the best goal in the history of sport and reacts like he just scored an empty netter in a pre-season game. He looks like a child walking home from school after failing a test.

And off-camera, somewhere in the midst of the Leafs bench, Jason Blake is pumping his fist like there's no tomorrow.

L&L

Faceoffs and Team Building

Much has been said regarding the Leafs having competition for jobs. Brian Burke has come in and established the "no free rides" effect where people are going to have to actually perform to get their icetime (somewhere in the distance, Bryan McCabe wakes up in a cold sweat) and won't just get thrown into the lineup. Burke's mentioned this, stating that there's 25 guys in the weight room daily. However, at least eight of these players are just people Mike Komisarek brought in as dumbbells.

Still, it really is quite crowded in terms of roster spots. We've got more blueliners than John Ferguson's got brain cells. However, there's also quite a jam in the middle. If you look down the depth chart, it looks something like this:

Mikhail Grabovski
Matt Stajan
Tyler Bozak
Rickard Wallin
John Mitchell
Jiri Tlusty
Wayne Primeau

That's seven players who have a fairly reasonable shot at making the Leafs. I can't help but think that Grabo really is going to get the chance to establish himself as our number one centre. As much as I love Stajan, right now he looks pretty lost in the shuffle and may end up being traded. Look for Bozak to be our top rookie this year and claim the number two spot (and write me down as the one who said that, I'm probably Bozak's number one fan). Assuming he adjusts to the NHL, Wallin will take the third line spot (along with significant penalty killing time). John Mitchell will continue to be the best fourth line centre in the NHL, and this leaves Tlusty and Primeau in the press box. However, with Tlusty lighting up the Marlies I've got a feeling (and not in a Black Eyed Peas kind of way) that he's going to get a shot at making the big club and I'm guessing Primeau will fill in as a role player and is mostly here to help the dressing room. We've also got Christian Hanson who can play as a centre and apparently Nazem Kadri is making a run as well.

Apparently, this competition has been the cause of some animousity among the players. Ron Wilson and Brian Burke have scheduled an emergency skate/team building exercise that only the players competing for centremen positions attended. I was lucky enough to attend this practice.

***

Mikhail Grabovski, Matt Stajan, Tyler Bozak, Rickard Wallin, John Mitchell, Wayne Primeau, Jiri Tlusty, Nazem Kadri, and Christian Hanson are doing rigorous skating exercises, being watched by Ron Wilson. Burke approaches Wilson.

Burke: How are the boys looking?

Wilson: Good. Everyone seems to be working hard. Tlusty doesn't really seem like he's that committed. He didn't even wear gear.

Burke: Well Ron if it's only a skate, do they really need to be wearing full gear?

Wilson: Burkie. Look at him. He's completely naked.

Burke: God dammit. I thought we got that sorted out. Call them over.

Ron Wilson blows his whistle and the players skate over, exhausted.

Mitchell: This is brutal. We're here doing double practice for team building the Canadiens got to visit the cast of the Lord of the Rings.

Bozak: Really? How did they manage that?

Mitchell: Apparently Scott Gomez has connections.

Wilson: Alright boys, pipe down. Now, we're going to go around in a circle and everyone is going to say something interesting about themselves and what they bring to the Leafs. Pretend you guys have never met, we need a fresh start. Christian, I guess we'll start with you.

Hanson: Hey, I'm Christian Hanson. I started with the Leafs at the end of last year. I guess an interesting thing about me would be that my dad was actually in the Slapshot movies -

The team lets out an exasperated sigh.

Hanson: What? You guys didn't know! I even brought the glasses! How cool is that?

Wilson: Christian nobody cares. Seriously. Stop bringing that up. Grabo?

Grabovski: I am Grabovski. I will play first line. I will score eighty goals. I will kill Jason Blake.

Burke (quietly): Well, that's a salary off the cap...

Bozak: Hey, I'm Tyler Bozak. I played in the NCAA and I'm happy to be here in Toronto. I guess an interesting story would be that I used to have long hair like Grabovski but a couple days after I signed with Toronto I was attacked by four russian mobsters. They pinned me down and cut it off. How weird is that?

Grabovski: Yes. Quite weird.

Theo Fleury: Hi, I'm Theo Fleury and I'm an alcoholic. I'm pretty down on my luck, I spent all my money on cocaine and pyramid schemes. I...I think I'm at the wrong meeting. Crap. This is embarassing...uh, Brian, while I'm here, could we talk about maybe a contract or -

Burke: No. Get out.

Theo Fleury begins to skate off the ice. Suddenly, Garnet Exelby skates onto the ice chewing on an elbow pad and flattens Fleury with an open ice hit.

Burke: Exelby, what are you doing here? You're not a centre!

Exelby: WHERE STEWY. WHY YOU SEND HIM AWAY? ANGRY!

Burke: We've been over this. We traded him to Calgary.

Exelby: WHERE CALGARY.

Burke: On the other end of the country Garnet. Settle down.

Exelby looks at Burke with a look of determination, and skates away, presumably to Calgary to find Colin Stuart.

Wilson: Er, I guess this is a good time for you to go Wayne.

Primeau: Ah...this is awkward. I didn't think I was actually going to have to play. I thought I was going to be kind of like the Brad May deal where I just lived with Luke Schenn and got to sleep with the less attractive friend when he brought girls home. Sorry. Er, how about you, kid?

Nazem: Hi guys, I'm Nazem Kad-

Wilson: You're not playing in the NHL this year Nazem.

Nazem: But I figured if I worked really ha-

Wilson: No.

Nazem: I really thi-

Wilson: Get off the ice.

Burke: And call LA. Offer them you and a second rounder for Brayden Schenn. And Christian, take those god damn glasses off.

Kadri skates off the ice, dejected.

Wallin: I'm Rickard Wallin, I played in Sweden last year with Jonas.

Burke: And what are you doing here? You're not going to be playing centre for us!

Wallin: You want me to play on the wing?

Burke: No. We signed you to for Gustavsson.

Wallin: Well, that's okay, but I can still contribute on the ice.

Burke: Didn't you read your contract? We signed you to basically be his assistant. Carry his bag, answer his phone...

Grabovski: Eat his pineapple.

Burke: Exactly. Wait, what?

Wilson: Moving on. Mitchell?

Mitchell: I'm John Mitchell and I wish Tlusty would take his penis off my shoulder. I think that's it for me.

Burke: Okay. Tradebait? I mean, Stajan?

Stajan: Well you know, I think we worked really hard tonight. We put in a hard effort and sometimes you get the bounces sometimes you don't.

Burke: Did you hear me? This isn't an interview son. The media isn't here.

Stajan: Well you know, I think we worked really hard tonight. Sometimes you get the bounces sometimes you don't.

Burke: Dammit. I think he's stuck.

Stajan: Well, you know, I think we worked really hard to-

Wilson: OKAY, let's keep this going. Tlusty?

Tlusty: I'm Jiri. I did my time in the AHL and I'm going to be scoring five goal games for the Leafs this year. They call me the Czechoslovakian Flash.

Burke: That's Teemu Selannes nickname.

Tlusty: Yes, but mine refers to my...

Stajan: Well you know, I think we worked really hard tonight...

Burke: Someone get him out of here.

-L&L

The Leafs High School Report Card

With a Harvard graduate as general manager and the recent focus on US College Hockey Players, education is clearly important in the Toronto Maple Leafs organization. I recently obtained a document that revealed that the Leafs organization has been attending high school for the majority of the year. Here is the team report card from the 2008-2009 school year.


Mathematics: B+

Ron Wilson has taken an active interest in the course, especially attempting how to solve how Lee Stempniak has managed to score 44 points. The rest of the class are still attempting to figure out who Lee Stempniak is and why Alexander Steen now plays with the Blues. I do have Lee Stempniak on my attendance list but he is yet to show up to any classes.

The free agent signings have adapted fairly well to the class despite a late arrival, with the exception of Garnet Exelby who can’t seem to count or even read double digits. He reads the number fifty five as “five and five”, claims he weighs “two-one-four heavy big pounds”, and reads 3000 as “three- oooooh”. He’s also eaten two calculators and a stapler.

Physical Education: A

The team has performed exceptionally well in this area, with a brief exception during the soccer unit of the course which left Matt Stajan with an eye injury. Luckily this was dealt with quickly as the nurses office is overstaffed since the departure of Carlo Coliacovo.

We are fairly confident this was an accident at the hands of John Mitchell but some insist that this was Mikhail Grabovski’s attempt to move up the depth chart. We have no proof of this but we also suspect Grabovski was responsible for an attempted shooting on Stajan which was fortunately blocked by Vesa Toskala. Toskala was okay but slightly shaken, unfamiliar with the concept of stopping a shot.

Also on the subject of goaltending, Justin Pogge has dropped this course. Justin seemed quite disinterested and his work ethic was subpar, showing up to gym class in Bootlegger jeans and making Zoolander faces instead putting any effort into improvement.


Economics: C-

Jeff Finger is at risk of failing this course as he seems to think all goods and services are more valuable than they are. As we became concerned with his performance in the class, we asked Cliff Fletcher about the Finger's problem. Cliff became quite uncomfortable and mumbled something about Kurt Sauer.

Tomas Kaberle has been excused from this class as becomes visibly distressed any time the class enters a discussion about the value of goods.


Public Speaking: B-

This course has been difficult to evaluate as Brian Burke monopolizes discussion in class and insists on bringing a microphone to overpower the other students.

Alexei Ponikarovsky has made a turn from the better since Burke arrived, helping out some other players with their course load. However, he’s been acting a little strangely and insisting he was born on the border of Canada and the United States and showing up to class wearing an Uncle Sam costume.

Admittedly, having former teammate Mats Sundin to do a guest lecture on decisiveness was not a good option. Nor was Jason Blake’s four hour speech on “how awesome Jason Blake is”.


Physics: D

The entire class has been stuck on this problem for months: Pavel Kubina skates at a rate of .004 miles per hour. If we were to lay out a path of ice to Atlanta, how long would it take him to arrive? At what point in his journey would he be passed by A) A Snail B) Terry Fox C) John Ferguson’s thought process?


Home Economics: N/A

We were unable to begin this course this year as we are still recovering from Kyle Wellwood devouring our food supply.


Shop/Wood Working: N/A

We were unable to finish this course as a result of Garnet Exelby; upon arrival, devouring our wood supply.


Geography: B+

Brian Burke has also taken a strong interest in this course. He became so fascinated with the material he scheduled a trip to Sweden. However, this was during a crucial time in the school year and we’re suspicious he intimidated Dave Nonis; a more timid student, into doing his assignments for him.


Art: A-

Luke Schenn has been at the top of the class here, as he seems to create a masterpiece on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of the older students such as Jamal Mayers are content to sit back and watch Schenn work.

Jiri Tlusty and Mike Van Ryn seemed to strike up a friendship in this class and chose to sculp each other. Jiri’s sculpture of Van Ryn was very accurate but sadly broke into a million pieces as someone sneezed within five feet of it. Van Ryn’s statue was so good it has probably made more of an impact on the Leafs this year than Tlusty himself. It appears Van Ryn's inspiration was Michelangelo's David except with the modern twist of a cell phone camera in hand.

Finally, Colton Orr, despite only joining the class at the end of the term has made a delightful necklace out of what we assume are Todd Fedoruk’s teeth.


-LL